Depression

[jj2]

Until the last couple of years, I put up a list on the refrig---right by theirs!!! and I wouldn't get a thing on it---always blew my mind since they were so happy to get stuff that they put on their list.
Last year I printed it out in LARGE print---guess they just couldn't miss it.

Anyway, since I got a minute now, I'll tell the story.
Last Sunday son, hubby (RW), and I are in the living room killing time while waiting for dinner to get done.
I'm totally on a tight budget this month because of three/four months of something going wrong with my car (expensive breaking down of things).
My son and I went together to get RW's gift which was a camera. RW and son went together to get my BIG gift. RW said he wanted to do some more shopping and needed to know what to budget himself to. That meant son had to tell me what I owed him because he ordered RW's camera and my big one online.
So as he is trying to figure this out, he starts talking about the cost of RW's gift without saying the amount---but while doing so, he says the word camera.
My eyes bug out and I'm hoping RW isn't listening too closely.
THEN son says it again, and then says, "Oh, I said something I shouldn't have." At the same time, RW and I say, "Yeah, you said it twice!!!"
So son is kicking himself over this and it isn't a minute before he says the word radio. The car radio is on my list so I know I'm getting my radio."
Of course son is feeling pretty awful at this point and I tried to make him feel better by telling him he gave us a very funny memory. He did too, will be giggling over this for years to come.

That isn't the end though. RW is handicapped and I had to take him around shopping---he can get by driving in the itsy bitsy town we live in, but not in anything bigger. We'd get to the store and he'd go one way and I'd go the other.

Went to Farm & Fleet first and then to Kmart. After Kmart he was getting a little disgusted and he says he can't believe he is having so much trouble finding speakers.
Soooo, now I know I'm getting new speakers for my new car radio!!!

Now both of them are unhappy but I'm just tickled pink because just knowing I'm getting something I want is really great.
Not that I wouldn't get it because I'd just go out and get it later for myself, but it is really nice having them get it for me.

 

[Friend of Atlas]

I am glad I am not alone feeling this way LOL.
Last year I wanted to yell at all of them. I have this huge stocking that came with a gift from etoys for the baby. I told them this was my stocking and it better be full LOL I hung up my old stocking and the huge one was put to the side. They knew I was kidding. So they were thoughtful enough to stuff it with things like coffee beans , jiffy pop (can't eat popcorn) socks, etc etc. The thing was I got nothing else memorable or anything I wanted. Except I have a great memory of the BIG Stocking being full , unfortunately the memory is a crappy one. So I was a bit disappointed, in hubby more then anyone, since the kids were/are still not really able to buy things without our help. I think they all saw how I was disappointed and are trying harder this yr. This goes on with every occasion , not just Christmas. It came to thier attention finally after I went on a rant, that I never ask for things, unless they have to do with the house. Ie .. dishwasher , dryer etc... I stressed over buying myself an ipad like device because I thought maybe I should wait for it as a gift for some occasion. I finally just bought it when I knew that I would have to buy my own gift I wanted anyway. I called it my 6 month smoke free gift.
Bonus daughter this yr has a Saturday job, so she has had a great time trying to get everyone something this yr. I am proud of her, not waiting til the last day and whining she has no money. I made sure to tell her I was proud of her too. The jewelry item was her idea, she called him to the mall and told him to buy it for me. She got mad at him when he didn't leave me home. she made me go look elsewhere in the mall while they were shopping.

My bio Daughter is 14 and she told him she wanted to get me something that I wanted finally. That was the back cracking thing, unfortunately they were logged into my amazon account and they sent me the shipping notice. Once he saw I have a wish list and found out how to get to it with bio kids help. He saw the massage table and well of course that will benefit him as well. I didn't know about that until the fed ex person dropped it at the door , ooops.
I think I will just stop stressing and enjoy my new toys.

Sounds like it'll be a good Christmas for you this year. Me, I just rollin with flow. I don't care what I get too much this year. I really don't want much except maybe some money!! lol...

I got the kiddies almost everything they wanted - I just need to get the Wii fixed. Ugh That'll have to be after Christmas! I haven't started saving money yet from vaping so everything feels tight this year. I'm in good spirits except for this darn insomnia!!!!

Tuesday I couldn't fall asleep as usual, but then I didn't wake up either until 11am!! I missed waking up the kids and they both missed school. I am so mortified!! I've never done anything like that before. Thankfully it was a half day, but still they shouldn't miss school because their mother can't wake up in time to get them ready!! What's wrong with me? Why can't I sleep! It's really driving me mad!

Means back to the Dr. to maybe stop the meds that are causing this - I don't know what else to do at this point.

Crazy - but I still feel OK mentally - not unhappy just exhausted all the time

 

[Nighthawk]

I haven't gotten much of what I've wanted over the years either.... Must be mom thing. I do try to get myself little treats when I can... a 'good' chocolate bar, a book, small things like that. Since this summer it's been ecig stuff. lol A $30 juice order is a big treat! All I ask for every year is a clean house and good children. I never get them! ah well. When I go to Sam's, I'll get myself a giant canister of cappichino. lol

 

[jj2]

It is a Mom thing. When the kids were kids, there was many a year RW & I went without so they'd have a good Xmas.

And, even though the kids are grown, I still wish for a clean house!!! Too bad Santa doesn't do this on his way through.

 

[Nighthawk]

yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how to attract the 'cleaning fairy'. lol ah well. I have heard it said that trying to clean the house while the kids live at home is like shoveling the snow while it's still snowing. lol

 

[Friend of Atlas]

yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how to attract the 'cleaning fairy'. lol ah well. I have heard it said that trying to clean the house while the kids live at home is like shoveling the snow while it's still snowing. lol

Ooohh - Is that why my house is the constant danger zone? Clean for 2 days and less than 1 day later is back to the normal chaos! Oh well - just keep on shovelin'...

 

[Nyxie]

oh so frustrated...
I know how to do the tough love thing. Unfortunately my hubby does not. He was laying all cozy in bed and the phone rang. it was his nephew. His nephew is not like a teen ager. He is a grown man with a dependence on pain killers. he has lost his home, his wife and daughter and his job. Everyone has stopped helping him and now he is calling on us. UGH! He called my hubby from a hotel, the cops were there to remove him, so hubby whips out a credit card and pays for 3 nights. OY!!! I can not be the boss of hubby but geez , com on now. I believe charity starts at home and we could use some, not much but we arent rich . We live job to job around here . Not his nephew who only calls when NO ONE else will answer.

 

[Nyxie]

yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how to attract the 'cleaning fairy'. lol ah well. I have heard it said that trying to clean the house while the kids live at home is like shoveling the snow while it's still snowing. lol

Um I met a man (hubby) who is kind of OCD about neatness LOLROF. I am not neat at all. I had a friend visit from home and she has 5 kids . She asked me how I keep the house clean . I said I don't touch anything. LOL

 

[Nighthawk]

I am neat when I live alone. But I have 5 kids that don't seem to understand the function of a garbage can, or clothes hangers, or well, anything. Someday (HOPEFULLY) they will get grown and off on their own and I can sit in peace, quiet cleanliness and order. Me and a dozen cats.... lol

 

[Friend of Atlas]

Hi all - bit if a major funk this week... I have a really hard time communicating when I feel like this. I think the lack of sleep is really catching up to me mentally now. Oh well - this too shall pass, ugh but when! I wonder how jjrose is doing?..

 

[Nyxie]

Hi all - bit if a major funk this week... I have a really hard time communicating when I feel like this. I think the lack of sleep is really catching up to me mentally now. Oh well - this too shall pass, ugh but when! I wonder how jjrose is doing?..

You know I was just wondering the same thing about jjrose.

Sorry to hear about your funk. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Renro]

Well, i'll be damned - a depression thread.

Thank you all for sharing. Just knowing, being reminded that I am not the only one in the world with this is incredibly therapeutic.

Sincerely sorry that any one of you suffer with this disease, (Suffer being the operative word.) i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I've been depressed all my life. Many many many Dr's later, and I still couldn't tell you why, although having two severe head injuries in childhood followed by some pretty brutal encounters/ relationships might be the ticket.

I've been in therapy most of my adult life - when i am working and can afford health care. Mostly I have found ways to "manage" the worst of it because of the lack of help available to the poor. I'm about average intelligence, just smart enough to know how screwed I really am.

At the start of therapy, I went through the whole meds thing, this, that and a combo of the other. For one brief shining two-week period, I actually knew what it was like not to be depressed. Let me tell ya, it's a whole different world. So different that I still can't figure out why anyone who is not depressed isn't a multimillionaire, the energy, the focus...it's amazing. But then the meds stopped working, as meds often do, and I made the decision to forgo any further meds since my Dr (psychiatrist who did my actual therapy, not a psychologist) was refreshingly honest and told me as much as I could stand about psychiatry and meds and the great unknowns. SO I have been med-free for over 15 years.

And then I found God. God is great, I love God, I really do. God is my number one "management technique" He's always there and always the same.

Another big technique was education. *I realized that my perceptions and views are not in sync with the realities of most situations*. The decisions that I make when in a deep depression are often laughable, or would be if they weren't so detrimental as compared to one of my "lighter" episodes. The more I learn about depression in general and my own in particular, the better coping skills I develop.

Finding a small handful of true and accepting friends rounds up my big three. This one is a little strange though since part of my depression is the total lack of self worth, so I play mind games and question 'why on earth any sane person would find value in a friendship with me...there must be something wrong with them' *refer back to skewed perceptions...

Having a loving pet that is dependent on my for his well being.

Trying to keep a schedule or routine, keeping track of monthly hormonal changes, making plans for February which is always the very worst time of the year...just noticing what my "triggers" are, my precursors and figuring out a strategy to deal with them one at a time. Chip Chip Chipping away - it's enough to make a person crazy. This is my short list of coping with my depression.

Besides the frequent suicidal thoughts, the very worst part for me is the lack of concentration and long term memory. There are chunks of time (years in some cases) that I have no accounting for. I feel like a hamster on a wheel running hard and going nowhere while the rest of the world zips on by. Only I don't realize that i have been at a standstill till a moment or encounter that "wakes me up" and I take stock of my current situation and see how far friends or coworkers have advanced while I am still ... here.

The lack of concentration has gotten me into some serious deep waters because the world doesn't understand depression and anxiety very well (if at all) and the apparent "bad attitude" they seem to cause. Give me time to process things, "back off" translates into hostile...but I am a sweetheart, yes I am. If you've spent any time around an Alzheimer patient, you will understand this dichotomy perfectly.

Lack of energy, any kind of energy, mental, emotional, physical...it's just not there. I can spend whole days in bed. Normal everyday activities seem impossible to contemplate, never mind accomplish.

Then there's the physical aches and pains, as real to me as rain, but there's no accounting for them in medical terms. So i watch even my over-the-counter intake.

I hate being dead inside. Just a numb automatron ghosting through the world. I've learned that it's easier to fake a display of emotion rather then to be interrogated about it - that takes too much energy to explain. Nothing seems to come naturally. And the tears are embarrassing. I've been known to cry at TV commercials or other non-related things like someone asking "How are you today?". But of course when I want to cry, when I should cry over a loss, there's just nothing there.

It's a different world for the massively chronically depressed.

I believe it's also made me an addictive personality. i have consciously refrained from experimenting with any drugs or alcohol most of my life. Tobacco being the exception. I wasn't just addicted to tobacco, it was like a symbiotic relationship that without it, i would die.

I quit tobacco 5 times, all different techniques and helps. Outside of childbirth, it was the single most painful experience in my life. I would get so physically ill that every bone in my body would hurt, fever, inability to speak, chills, everything you can imagine - and forget trying to do something as simple as making a phone call - it was impossible, I really couldn't do it. That would last about three weeks and then the fun part started - the mind games. "I just went a month without cigarettes, I am going to reward myself, prove my mastery over my enemy and smoke just one." ah..ya, like that. Without fail it was the mental anguish that got me smoking in the end.

So my daughter bought me a starter kit for Christmas. Out of courtesy I used it. I had absolutely no thought of quitting, none. Two weeks into it and I realized that I wasn't smoking as much. By the third week I realized that I hadn't had an analog for a couple of days and was shocked, honest-to-goodness-shocked! Luckily I was in one of my lighter episodes (due to vaping?) and made the decision to quit tobacco, 'cause it wasn't ever going to get any easier than this.

I quit on 1/11/11 - great date! It's actually helped me stay off the tobacco because I am silly enough to want to keep that date.

2 1/2 - 3 weeks in, out of the blue - BAM! i get socked with a wicked bout of depression. The Ican'tgetoutofbedkillmenow...kind of depression. I wasn't expecting it since I hadn't experienced ANY withdrawal sypmtoms, not even the mind games (another miracle). Thank goodness I was too depressed to go out to buy analogs, because I just might have until I realized what was going on. The quitting had triggered and unexpected major bout of depression. Those are the worst, the unexpected ones because if you can't see it coming, you can't prepare and *refer back to skewed perception...

There were two people on this forum that helped me out, kept me active and engaged and encouraged until it passed. I will be forever grateful to these kind strangers. They can't possibly know what they did for me.

So now here i am, a week or so passed, and I am feeling ... good? The depression has passed, I feel lighter and more focused and proud of myself (unheard of!) and dare i say hopeful? It's AMAZING how vaping has helped with my depression. My overall health has improved of course, but i wasn't expecting the depression to ease up as much as it has.

I honestly believe that the chemical additives in tobacco were more addictive and detrimental to my health than any nicotine. Biochemistry is a mystery, but a pertinent one. I turned out to be one of those with a sensitivity to PG, not completely but I can't do %100 and I think all these chemical interactions reacting to my brains chemistry is what prevented me from being able to quit or able to ease my depression in the least.

My god, I know I am rambling on, and I apologize, but i have NEVER encountered or imagined to encounter a forum like this. A place for me and my many needs.

I'm clinically depressed, I will die clinically depressed. But to find an oasis, here, of all places, is just a treasure.

So when i say to you all, Thank you for sharing...it comes from the bottom of my heart and it doesn't cover nearly the depth of my profound gratitude.

And to the spouse who started this thread. Bless your loving heart.

 

[Lisa B]

Thank you for sharing your story, I have also battled with depression all of my life. I had many hardships in my life but to find one thing that triggered it is impossible. I have been diagnosed bi-polar but have had very few manic phases in my life, I have been mainly depressed. I however did stick with the meds, it has taken many meds and a very strange combination of them now that actually do work for me. I am not happy and giddy but I can get out of bed. I too never thought vaping would work for me and I am almost 6 months smoke free and still amazed everyday. Embrace the friendships made on this forum, they are true friends even if you never see their faces.

 

[CarrieM]

Thanks for sharing Renro. Depression is a difficult thing to manage even on a good day. Sounds like you have some good coping mechanisms in place. Please feel free to vent here anytime you feel the need. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

[Nighthawk]

Big (((HUGS))) Renro! You are SO STRONG! You Go Girl!
Thanks for sharing your story, I know that wasn't easy. It does give others strength, believe it or not and courage to come forward and have comfort as well.
I will say that medications and major advancements in understanding this disease have come along in the past 15 years. It might be worth exploring again.
Know that we're here with you and for you. God knows we understand what you're going through!