Make us Laugh!!!

[redempti0N]

Post your jokes, videos or pictures here.
Lets see if we can make this thread hotter than the S-P-I thread.

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

 

[redempti0N]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

 

[Joey S]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy..
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that ......... doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for ....... and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[MichelleDen]

hahaha

A giraf walks in to a bar and lays down on the floor. Gos to sleep..

A customer comes in and says (british accent): why's that lyin on the floor there??

Bartender says: Thats not a lion thats a giraf...

 

[redempti0N]

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

 

[Joey S]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my
socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."

 

[redempti0N]

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from Noo Yok Siddy.”
Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, “That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?”
The angel replies, “Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray.”

 

[Gardner808]

***I love the subtlety of this joke***

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

 

[leaford]

Have you heard about the recent british study on the effects of long term cannibis use? They followed hundreds of cannibis users for ten years, and found that they exhibited extremely hightened sense of paranoia.

Of course they were paranoid! They were being followed for TEN YEARS!!

 

[MichelleDen]

A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they emprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"

 

[analog]

So three Irish men walk out of a bar....

 

[starsong]

..........

 

[starsong]

***I love the subtlety of this joke***

Good one

 

[Evie Luv]

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

 

[Evie Luv]

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding in a classic radio flyer wagon. The boy has his dog pulling the wagon with a rope attached to the dogs balls.

The man says "You know if you tied the rope around his neck, it would go faster."

The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."

 

[MoonDance]

A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.

 

[FreakyStylie]

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

(Press Ctrl and A for the answer.)

Dam.

 

[redempti0N]

‎- Did you hear about that website that lets you know how many sex offenders there are in your area? It's called Facebook.

 

[Lauralie]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work

Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs Hurt, I no
come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really Need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my Wife and tell her to
give me Sex. That Makes everything Better and I go to work.. You try
that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You Say and I feel
Great. I be at work soon.........

By the way - You got Nice house'

 

[Ceegary]

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the countryside. He spots a house in the distance and walks there. The guy there tells him he stays there with his wife and teenage daughter, but they're in town for the weekend so he's welcome to stay there. The salesman looks at him strangely and says; "Oops, sorry, wrong joke".