NHaler JOKES

[Drewsworld]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows
nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're
crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked

her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were
we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,

and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and

I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And

the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked,
so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure
enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who fked up your hair?"

 

[VaporX]

Thats great love the punchline

 

[Danny H]

thats a good one.. lol

 

[Flowerpeddle]

 

[Cori]

LOL priceless.

 

[lotus14]

Great one Drew!

Half the people in my address book are reading it now.

 

[mamacat]

That is fabulous!! Going to the hairdresser tomorrow, but I'll save the joke until it is over!

 

[Danny H]

Walter was a young handsome man that just lost his $150,000 job and he went home very depressed. He tried applying for a new job but just couldn't find one and his home was ready to go into foreclosure.

Being single he was so used to having everything, always had great cars and gorgeous women in his life but once he lost his home and the repo company came to pick up his BMW he was living on the street.

With only 5 bucks in his pocket he decided to have a little bit of pleasure so he went to the local brothel and asked the mother of the house if there is anything that he could do with 5 bucks.

She told him to go upstairs to room 2d. So when getting to room 2d he knocked on the door and heard a woman say come in. An elderly lady was sitting on the floor and he asked her if he was in the right place and she yes you are.

So the woman took her two hands and squeezed her left eye and her glass eye popped out into her hand. She looked at him and said, this is the place you want to be.

Walter was stunned and thought about everything and said sure why not.

Once he was done he thought about it and said to the old woman, well that wasn't so bad.

She said, don't worry my friend, come back anytime, I'll keep an eye out for ya.

 

[lotus14]

That is fabulous!! Going to the hairdresser tomorrow, but I'll save the joke until it is over!

Smart move, mamacat ;-)

[FONT="]Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.[/FONT][/B][B][FONT="]

[/FONT][FONT="]Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.[/FONT][FONT="]

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'[/FONT]

 

[mamacat]

Smart move, mamacat ;-)

/snipped joke

My thoughts exactly - don't want purple hair!! Speaking of hair color...... as blessed by Drew.......

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's
desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes,and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again,she prays.... 'My God,why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life
back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open...

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this... '

'Buy a ticket.'

I am a blonde, except at the roots!! Be all set tomorrow!!

 

[Raven_Blackblade]

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila — Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"—it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess… could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that **** is EXPENSIVE… my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay… yeah… it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make… yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't **** for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know … I'm an ......., but it was still a funny night.

 

[bri1270]

Raven, that is one of the best stories I've heard/read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh!!

 

[wegster]

@raven

THat's awesome

Next time...we want video, just from the 'walks out without a word,' and the look on her face when you tell her!

 

[eric]

what did the fish say when it hit a wall?


damn.

 

[eric]

Rave_Blackblade... INGENIOUS! You'll never have to cook again! You really plan ahead, mate!

 

[harmony gardens]

Here's an Olie and Lena Joke,,, they are popular Norwegian jokes in Wisconsin and Minnesota.

Olie vas near death and in bed. Lena vas in da kitchen making lefsa. He smelled it, and crawled down to da the kitchen to have a piece. Just as he was about to grab one, Lena said,, Olie,, dat's for da funeral,,,,

 

[nitewriter]

I am a hairdresser Drew, and enjoyed your OP.

Just remember that men who are bald in the front are thinkers.
Men who are bald in tha back are lovers.
Men who are bald all the way back think they're lovers.

 

[tribalmasters]

More laughs like that? The Intellectual Appreciation of Poop Humor | PoopReport.com

 

[Peaches]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still driving. She writes:

Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma Hon

 

[lotus14]

Good one Peaches! I always knew you had a devious side ;-)