NHaler JOKES
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@raven
THat's awesome
Next time...we want video, just from the 'walks out without a word,' and the look on her face when you tell her!
LOL I am glad that you guys got a kick out of it
But I must remind you guys, I am a female. But I have many many friends who are Marines I am personally U.S. Army.... but it is still an awesome tale to tell 
Q: Do you want to go to a party Friday night?
A: Sure, where?
Reply:My friends house. They asked me to bring some dope so I figured I'd ask you.
I had a guy working for me and i asked him this everyday and the nitwit would always answer the same way, Sure where... lol
A: Sure, where?
Reply:My friends house. They asked me to bring some dope so I figured I'd ask you.
I had a guy working for me and i asked him this everyday and the nitwit would always answer the same way, Sure where... lol
'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely bat**** insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on dna testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes bat**** insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a ..... I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, "You're screwed".
Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of ****. You're trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bull****, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a dna test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilogue -
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely bat**** insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on dna testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes bat**** insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a ..... I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, "You're screwed".
Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of ****. You're trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bull****, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a dna test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilogue -
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
Don't worry Raven, the wife and i will bring em up right. Were waiting for Extreme Makeover to build us a huge home to hold 20 kids down along the river. lol
For the second time.... these are just funny joke/stories. These are not me, but I am glad that you guys are getting a kick out of them
So my wife was diagnosed with a panic disorder. Hmm ok, so the doctor puts her on paxil. So she gets home and before taking them she reads the side effects of what other people say and wouldn't you know i, dizziness, vertigo, and all these other symptoms so she goes back to the doc, in a panic i might add, and starts to almost blame the doc, panicking, so the doc prescribes Prozac.
So the same routine, and she seems to see everyone is doing ok on them and starts to take them. One of the first things they tell you is that it takes a few days to work and the symptoms during this time of course are dizziness, vertigo, and all these other symptoms so as she gets these symptoms she of course PANICS and goes back to the computer to see if anyone else has these problems and of course wouldn't ya know it everyone does.
Aww, but in the middle of this she sees a person that says that it has caused there stomach to malfunction and this person now has massive ........ and of course my wife says that she is nervous because she may get it.
Bottom line... If your wife gets sick make sure the first thing you do is screw up the computer so you dont get all of these stu-nod questions or you will need some prozac too.
So the same routine, and she seems to see everyone is doing ok on them and starts to take them. One of the first things they tell you is that it takes a few days to work and the symptoms during this time of course are dizziness, vertigo, and all these other symptoms so as she gets these symptoms she of course PANICS and goes back to the computer to see if anyone else has these problems and of course wouldn't ya know it everyone does.
Aww, but in the middle of this she sees a person that says that it has caused there stomach to malfunction and this person now has massive ........ and of course my wife says that she is nervous because she may get it.
Bottom line... If your wife gets sick make sure the first thing you do is screw up the computer so you dont get all of these stu-nod questions or you will need some prozac too.
I am also psychosamatic...If I read the symptoms of something that I happen to be suffering from, I imediatley get the symptoms....I think thats the word any way?
The problem is it's true. She is making me absolutely bananas. I swear man, she gets on this roll and doesn't get off it.
She told the doc she wants 20mgs, i told her to get 40's and we will split em.. lol
It is so real it's frightening really.
She told the doc she wants 20mgs, i told her to get 40's and we will split em.. lol
It is so real it's frightening really.
A man walks into a bank, gets in line,
and when it is his turn
he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.
To make sure he leaves no witnesses
he turns around and asks the next customer in line,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber
shoots him and kills him.
The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line
and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
and when it is his turn
he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.
To make sure he leaves no witnesses
he turns around and asks the next customer in line,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber
shoots him and kills him.
The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line
and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
SSSSOOO hating Tribal for posting that poop story site!!
I am getting over the flu and already ache and hurt from it but laughing almost until I pass out in pain is toooooo much!!
BTW thanks for revamping this Drew.
I am getting over the flu and already ache and hurt from it but laughing almost until I pass out in pain is toooooo much!!
BTW thanks for revamping this Drew.
Drew
Last one was great. I'm still laughing...told my wife...she ain't laughing that much though..probably didn't help me much that I told her we need to go to the bank.
Last one was great. I'm still laughing...told my wife...she ain't laughing that much though..probably didn't help me much that I told her we need to go to the bank.
I have recently (like within the last year) begun to have anxiety/panic attacks. Didn't know what it was at first...felt like what I thought a heart attack was. Crazy fast heart rate, sweating, tightness in the chest/throat, difficulty breathing.
Doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants and I declined. I have a script for Xanax, that I can use whenever I have an attack, and it works within 10-15 minutes.
I refuse to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs, or deep fried foods ?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat and transfats are very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you give a ....?
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs, or deep fried foods ?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat and transfats are very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you give a ....?
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