NHaler JOKES

[lotus14]

Parachute Jumping

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.


The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."


After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

 

[Huffin & Puffin]

Vat Da Hell, Ole ?



Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
company's lawyer was questioning Ole

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my
favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to
the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down
da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and
smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie
vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to
move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape yust by her groans'.

'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun
and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me
and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say? 8-o

 

[Drewsworld]

The Poker Player



Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sandra, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sandra answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

Sandra, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is quite a poker player!

 

[ToyTaco]

No Drew, you can NOT borrow $500 from me!!!

 

[alphafemale]

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I'm not the teacher and sorry about all the extra space.















I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,


but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade


classroom a few years back.





When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions


with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,


show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,


pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any


boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school


and talk about it, they're welcome.





Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,


takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow


stuffed under her sweater.





She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and


I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'





'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put


a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine


months through an umbrella cord.'





She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to


laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her


in amazement.





'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my M om starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,


Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around


the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a


hysterical duck walk and groaning.)





' My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have


a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in


bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)





'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he


got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like


psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming


water flowing away. It was too much!)





'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.


They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a


sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all


said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of


toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for


crawling up in there.'





Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.


I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's


show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.

 

[ScatRD]

well this thread hasn't moved in a while and I figured I'd give it a jump/bump restart...


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of $25 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place - it was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 25 million is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and quietly says, "Ask him again."
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried two feet from the east wall behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
"Well," the lawyer replies, "he says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

[crashtestjeep]

These are awesome jokes guys! Im rollin outta my chair!

 

[jcamacho]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in
approval.
The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "...." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios!"
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.
The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" I don't know," he blubbers, "but you
can bet your fat ... it won't be Cheerios."

 

[jcamacho]

TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple
a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,"
is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on
them.........

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

(1) You ask for ......, and they give you two Popsicle sticks and duct
tape.

 

[cos]

i cant stop laughing this morning. great jokes keep up the great work. love it
Cos

 

[Drewsworld]

LOL...Cheerios...LMAO...............

 

[alphafemale]

The HMO joke is too funny! Wonder how long before this isn't a joke?

 

[ScatRD]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[ScatRD]

A penguin is driving through Phoenix Arizona when his car suddenly experiences some problems. He limps the car to a mechanic and explains the problem to him before heading to the shop's waiting area. A little while later the mechanic tells him it may be awhile so he may want to take a walk and explore the area. After a little time hitting the sidewalk, the penguin notices an ice cream parlor and decides that, being a penguin in the desert, he's hot and could use something cool. So he heads into the parlor and orders a big bowl of vanilla ice cream to enjoy, which he does to the point of making a huge mess all over his face. Upon finishing the treat, he decides it's time to head back toward the shop to see if his car is fixed and ready to go. As he approaches the shop, the mechanic comes walking out to meet him and says "It looks like you blew a seal".
The penguin quickly cleans off his face and replies "No, no, it's just ice cream".

 

[alphafemale]

Good one, have to try to remember to tell it to my mechanic husband!

 

[hittman]

An 85 year old man and woman had been dating for some time and the man was thinking about asking her to marry him. He asked her " will you do the cooking?" and she replied " I'll do all the cooking if you'll do the cleaning". He said " ok, that's fair enough". He then asked her " what about sex?" and she replied " infrequently". He asked " is that one word or two?"

 

[hittman]

Did my joke stink that bad?

 

[alphafemale]

No it didn't stink, I just can't come up with a snappy come back

 

[hittman]

Thanks alpha. I know I'm not much of a regular around here anymore and thought maybe I was just being ignored.

 

[Drewsworld]

I like your signature better actually Hit...The joke was pretty good too though...
Drew