The Joke Tread!

[spacekitty]

Dead Donkey

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”

“Well then, just give me my money back.”

“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

“OK then, just unload the donkey.”

“What ya gonna do with em.”

“I’m gonna raffle him off.”

“Ya can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”


A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”

“Didn’t no one complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”

 

[jj2]

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!

 

[spacekitty]

One Wish

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and the Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable!!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for, a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

 

[thehangdude]

 

[jj2]

 

[thehangdude]

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

[thehangdude]

I sometimes regret that I never learned French but... such is life.

(I like that joke. It has what the French call a certain... I don't know what.)

 

[thehangdude]

A certain orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Now, there's a long section in that symphony where the basses have nothing to play -- just rests for pages and pages. So one of the basses suggests to the others that they should go across the street to the local bar and come back when the basses have their next entrance.

Well, they take their time getting back, since they've had quite a bit to drink, and one of the basses is worried they won't get there in time. "Don't worry," the first bass says, "I've tied a string around the conductor's music. He'll have to really ritardando when he gets to that spot while he fumbles with it."

They get in and take their seats, but they notice the conductor has this really intense look on his face. As well he should; it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

 

[thehangdude]

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

 

[thehangdude]

There are two kinds of people: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

 

[thehangdude]

 

[thehangdude]

 

[whodat2112]

 

[P0P]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude................

LOL lets be a little fair is their such a fool LMAO

 

[P0P]

Lord i am still laughing (Key board may need replacing soon )wipe wipe

 

[P0P]

wuzz! according to the pic you are very photogenic LMAO

Bless you my friend sending prayers

 

[P0P]

Has anyone heard from Krash?

I'm thinking of you, the family, Bless you and thank you, you young lady are amazing!!

 

[spacekitty]

Condom Usage

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order. One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man.

”Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”

The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!”

”So,” the pharmacist asked, “then what do you do with all those condoms?”

The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags.”

 

[whodat2112]

 

[whodat2112]