As is often the case, some miracles are spawned through tragedy and this sordid tale is no exception. Some 36 years ago my daughter's mother and I split the sheets. Actually we split the sheets on numerous occasions for years prior to that but when things turned sour we actually got divorced. For reasons that no one has ever been able to explain, God likes me and I was fortunate enough to get full custody of my then 16 month old daughter. Life was grand, being a single cop in Miami was pretty much Heaven on earth but after being shot once, stabbed three times, two broken backs and a bunch of feuding girlfriends, (certainly the most worrisome of all potential injuries), I moved my daughter and myself to the great state of Colorado.
Fast forward twenty-something years and my daughter's mother, and her boyfriend decided that property values were far too high in Colorado and hatched a plan to single handedly reverse the monetary trend by moving here. Not only did they move here, they moved into my daughter and son-in-law's house that they built on part of the ranch I gave them... a very easy rifle shot from my back door. (Had I know that retirement was going to sink to such levels I never would have worn a bullet proof vest.)
After squatting on my property for more than a year I used my politically correct diplomatic skills to convince them that it was well past the time for them to move and purchase their own abode. They did... three miles away. Property values continued to plummet and to this day I still receive death threats from their neighbors.
As has happened to many, my kid's business, (custom home construction), failed during the recession and they ended up losing their home, and my land. No big deal, many have gone through worse, much, much worse. Fortunate enough to have a very large home we remodeled the lower level into a separate and fully furnished house and moved them in. (Luckily this rather unorthodox living arrangement has had little to no impact on my social life other than the frequent suggestion by my daughter that I install more soundproofing material in the floor.) This has turned out to be a grandfather's dream on one hand in that the grandkids now live just one level below me, a nightmare on the other hand in that Ex-Number 1, (my daughter's mother) is now in my home on a constant basis, ostensibly to visit with her daughter and grandchildren but in reality to further her nefarious plan to ruin my life.
Several months ago, during one of their frequent and irritating visits, Number 1's boyfriend came wandering upstairs, without being invited. Apparently he had gone out on the lower deck to have a cigarette and my well meaning, but sometimes not too bright daughter suggested he talk to daddy about vaping. (I'm thinking about writing her out of the will.)
To cut the less than pleasurably conversation short I gave him directions to a B&M store down in Denver and told him to buy an eGo-T and gave him the website to EC Blends. (It's bad enough I make juice for Pietro, I sure as hell ain't making it for him.) He got an eGo and did cut down considerably on the cigarettes, actually almost completely within a few weeks. (If she smoked too I never would have told him about vaping... I would have bought her ten cartons a month.)
This past Thanksgiving they came over for dinner that my daughter prepared. (If it had not been for the very, very attractive woman they brought with them who had just moved here from Argentina I wouldn't have had anything to be thankful for.) Normally I would have escaped upstairs to my sanctuary immediately after dinner but because I was engaged in pre-courting conversation with the attractive lady I ended up vaping on my little baby... the Koa. As fate would have it, (unlike God, fate hates me), Number 1 noticed the Koa, fell in love with it and decided that she had to buy one for her boyfriend for Christmas. I took delight, nay, great delight in telling her that the chance of her getting a Woodvil was the same as her ever being attractive again... non-existent. I did however suggest a VV Grand and gave her Rob's website.
Several days later I got a call from her better half. Oh joy. He was actually on the computer, on Rob's site and wanted me to walk him through what he needed to order. My faith in providence had been restored, after picking out a VV Grand that was in stock I had him click on a Reomizer, multiple packages of wick and wire then over to the accessories page where I told him to click on every item four times. When he started to question my advice I simply told him it was all needed and that without each and every item his foray into the world of vaping was doomed. (If Rob sold warthogs he'd be feeding a herd of them right now but alas, he doesn't thus there was a limit as to how much of his money I was able to spend.) Needless to say I directed him to RTD Vapes website where he purchased a ten year supply of batteries and everything else that I could get away with. (As an aside, after I got off the phone with him I sent a PM to Rob explaining the situation and suggesting that he hire a priest to perform an exorcism over his computer.)
Fast forward again, to last night. The dynamic duo showed up to celebrate an early Christmas for the grandkids. Needless to say, I don't get invited down for that. They had a nice evening repast, I had a cold bowl of cereal. At one point I heard a loud shout, (I may look into the soundproofing), of, "Oh boy, this is just what I wanted. The shout did not come from one of the grandkids.
Not long thereafter I heard Dawg growling and noticed her hackles stand on end. She's a very good judge of character. Guess who came walking into my TV room. Yup. Naturally he had to show me all of his new Christmas plunder, and then came the dreaded questions. Lets just say I wasn't talking to one of the three 'Wise Men'.
Missing my Sunday night football game did not put me in the best of moods but bearing in mind the current debate on gun control I decided to play nice. (I'm turning into a wussie in my old age. Lord, take me now.) Showed him everything he needed to know about the VVG, checked the voltage setting and marked the wheel, cleaned the Reomizer, showed him how to wrap a coil and wick plus made him a couple extras and gave him a box of Boge cartos just in case. (Did I mention the turning into a wussie thing?)
After all was complete he plunked his ... down in the Lazy Boy, started vaping away and apparently intended on engaging in verbal male bonding. Once again God displayed his affinity for me and arranged for a young lady to call me. It was at this exact moment that I politely told him to get the hell out.
Oh, during the coil wrapping tutorial he informed me that he had seen a Woodvil on Rob's site that he really liked and had clicked the 'Notify Me' button. He is under the illusion that he will be getting it shortly. Rob, may I take a brief moment to say that if he gets one before me I will track you down to the end of the earth... and then some.
Okay, I have done my Christmas good deed... I'm paid up for the next thirty-years.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Jack