China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
A blonde once tried to sue a pharmaceutical company because her birth control had failed and she had gotten pregnant.
She was using contraceptive jelly. On her toast every morning.
She was using contraceptive jelly. On her toast every morning.
little Johnny is in anatomy class and the teacher asks everyone what a vagina is and Suzie answers it the private between my legs. Next the teacher asks if anybody knows what a penis is and Johnny says I do teacher. The teacher says ok Johnny what is it. Johnny says it what my daddy has between his legs. To this the teacher says great Johnny. Then Johnny says my daddy has 2 of them. The teacher says no Johnny he only has one. To that Johnny says uh uh he has a little one he pees with and a big one he brushes mommas teeth with.
Got me blushing on this one....................
Well, after I got done laughing, anyway!!!
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ... again!'
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ... again!'
Two newfies in dire straits took to bird hunting to get food on the table. After about a week and no kills, they asked a friend how he managed to be so successful. He replied he had a bird dog. So they went out and got a bird dog. After a week of hunting and no kills, one newfie sayed to the other. How come we can't get anything? What are we doing wrong? The other said: I guess we aren't throwing the dog high enough.
A few quickies.
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tit a lot.
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cabinet
"I have a dog with no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible."
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tit a lot.
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cabinet
"I have a dog with no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible."
John dies in a fire and his face could not be identified it was so badly burned. Someone remarked that he had two friends who knew him all their lives, and could probably identify him by other means. So the police gathered up Phil and Dave and brought them to the morgue. Phil was the first to be brought to the body. It was uncovered, and Phil said, no I don't recognize him he is burned too badly, but if you roll him over I could probably tell you if it is John. So they rolled John's body over, and Phil says, No that ain't John. So they bring Dave over to see the body. He takes one look at the face, and says I couldn't say who that is, but if you roll him over I might be able to identify him. So they roll the body over, and Dave says no that is not John . Exasperated the policeman said, How do you know it is not John if you can't see the face? Well Phil said, that man is normal. Almost every day walking on main street we hear people comment. There goes John with the two as-ho--es.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more. 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi '.'
$50 says you're gonna read this again.
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more. 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi '.'
$50 says you're gonna read this again.
A mild mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him he needed to build up his self esteem,and so gave him a book on assertiveness which he read, and finished on his way home. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife pointing a finger in her face he said. From now on , I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then after dinner, your going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished, guess who is going to dress me, and comb my hair? The funeral director said his wife
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler. Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: “Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.” “Could you jack off?” she said. “I feel like crap this morning.”
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