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[MrPicC]

I googled this but NONE of them were really ECF friendly.. Sad because I been cracking up over here...

1- Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

source: Dirty One Liners - Dirty One Liner Jokes

 

[The Ocelot]

1) I may post a few things that aren't really jokes - I wish they were - but they may make you smile or shake your head. I collect snips from news stories that are poorly written or, in many cases, direct quotes that should have remained indirect. The stories themselves aren't funny, but the things people say...This is from a story about a suspicious death the suspect claims was from an overdose:

But Detective Doney argues overdoses are quieter than this.

"They usually fall down -- right where they're at, and, you know, massive heart attack or their heart just stops. Or they wake up in the morning not breathing, and they're dead," he explained.

Yep, they'd be dead.

ETA: What I collect are from major news sources, not "hometown" papers.

 

[Vince Clortho]

1. I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

W. Allen

 

[Racehorse]

What's the result of smoking too much?
Coffin.

 

[glassmanoak]

1
There was an old man who said, “Gee!
I can’t multiply seven by three!
Though fourteen seems plenty,
It might come to twenty-
I haven’t the slightest idee!”

And yet one would think, as one looks at him there,
To do sums he would surely be able;
For he sits in a most professorial chair
At a multiplication table.

Personally, I don't know a single joke. I have to search Google for jokes. I guess this says a lot about me, although I have a great sense of humor

 

[lettucehead]

1)

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?

The one on the range.

 

[glassmanoak]

2
There was a young woman named Melanie,
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"
She replied, "No, siree,
I give it for free...
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."

hanks, lettucehead for posting. I've been waiting a long time to post my little ditty.

 

[lettucehead]

2)

Q. What's pink and fluffy

A. Pink fluff

 

[glassmanoak]

3
What’s the difference between an actor and a politician? An actor has better script writers with more believable story-lines.

You're the best, lettucehead!

 

[mogium]

1. what did my vmax say to my new tank?
I'm too big you can't handle me baby

 

[glassmanoak]

4
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

And also thanks to you too, Mogium

 

[mogium]

your welcome glass have a great day off to la la land

 

[glassmanoak]

5
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears to be black from here."

Man, as a former Mathematician, I realize that this is NOT a joke. This is really the way Mathematicians are! They can pick anything to pieces, and usually not very politely!

 

[Vince Clortho]

2. “I am plagued by doubts. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In which case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”

W. Allen

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#1 Q. What's a haunted chicken?

A. A poultry-geist

 

[Vince Clortho]

3. Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

WC Fields

 

[foxxof]

1

 

[opal]

2)

Q. What's pink and fluffy

A. Pink fluff

um - there's more to the joke here


What's blue and fluffy?


(go ahead.. say it.. blue fluff)


nope

pink fluff holding it's breath

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#2 Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

 

[opal]

what's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
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taste