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[glassmanoak]

4
A recent survey showed that, at the age of twenty, 90% of men have sex four times a week and that, by the time they reach 40, they are still capable of telling the same pathetic lie. - Anonymous

 

[lettucehead]

3)

Q. Did you hear about the kid napping?
A. Yeah, he woke up!


(hahaha)

 

[glassmanoak]

5
A silly young woman called Claire,
Fourth of July, on a dare
filled up her pockets
with lighted rockets
The crater she left is still there.

 

[lettucehead]

4)

My laptop was driving me crazy.
“The A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend.

She quickly diagnosed the problem.
“Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.”

 

[Vince Clortho]

3. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

G. Carlin

 

[lettucehead]

5)

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

 

[Skoad]

1)

Why was the lettuce cold?

Because it wasn't dressed.

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

1. This new monk starts at the monastery and his job is to help the other monks to copy the old texts by hand. He notices that they are copying from copies so he says to Mr. CEO monk that if there is an error in the copies they would just be repeating them. The CEO monk "we've been copying from copies for centuries but you make a good point my son". So Mr. CEO Monk goes down to the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Later that day the CEO Monk had not returned. Growing worried, the new monk went down to the cellar to look for Mr. CEO Monk. He hears a loud sobbing from the back of the cellar and finds the CEO Monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the CEO Monk "what's wrong?" and in a choked voice came the reply..."There's an 'R', there's an 'R'... the word is celebrate...."

 

[Skoad]

2)

What do you get if you cross a checken with a zebra?

A four-legged dinner with it's own barcode.

 

[paulbald2]

1) Why did the checken cross the road?
To get away from the Zebra,so it couldn't breed with it.

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

2. Increase Your Word Power

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.

Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do each spring.

Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.

 

[Skoad]

3)

Why do melons get married in church?

- Because they cantaloupe.

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

3. Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? A. Benjamin Frankenstein

 

[Skoad]

4)

Why don't blind people Sky Dive?

- It scares the s*** out of their dogs.

 

[paulbald2]

2) How does a blind skydiver know when it's to late to pull their cord?
The leash goes slack.

 

[Skoad]

5)

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

- Beer nuts cost $1.50. Deer nuts are under a buck.

 

[thinkingaboutit]

1

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[thinkingaboutit]

Back to back posting be damned. I don't care if this counts...I live very close to the town in this joke. Not to mention I have realitives who talk a bit like this. I hope you enjoy

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.
One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," Lena replied.
Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, "Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?"
"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one.
"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he'd struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," she replied.
Ole couldn't believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel room.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. "Vat have I done, vat have I done?" Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. "Lena, I've got to ask you von thing."
"Vot's dat?" she said, sleepily.
"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."

 

[glassmanoak]

1
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#1. Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

A. No body

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!