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kritter

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Apr 14, 2011
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western north carolina
es

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
Hey, asked the brunette at the wheel, see any cops following us?
The blonde turned around for a long look. As a matter of fact, I do.
Oh, NOOOO! yelled the brunette. Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
 

toto1013

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Jan 12, 2011
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really .......

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

Natalia

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Aug 27, 2010
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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,"What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your darn cat.
 

hairball

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Sep 17, 2010
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Lil Johnny Meets Barack . . ..

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 childre n drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss . . . and you can bet your azz it's probably not an accident either."
 

Optimo

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A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
 
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