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WHAT ARE THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
A little big boy saw a pregnant woman and he asked, "What is in your tummy?" The pregnant woman answered, “My baby”. The little boy asked if she loved her baby and the pregnant woman answered, “Yes, definitely”. The little big boy didn’t believe her and asked, “If you love your baby why did you eat it?”
George W. Bush walks into a bar and says, "Hey, friend, can I have a beer?"
The bartender replies, "Nope."
Angered, Bush finds the bar's manager and complains.
The manager takes the bartender into the back for a talk, then returns after a minute.
"Sorry, Mr. President," the manager states, "but there's nothing I can do. You addressed him as 'friend.'"
Shocked, Bush cries, "What does that have to do with anything?"
The manager replies, "Everybody knows that friends of yours don't have to serve."
The bartender replies, "Nope."
Angered, Bush finds the bar's manager and complains.
The manager takes the bartender into the back for a talk, then returns after a minute.
"Sorry, Mr. President," the manager states, "but there's nothing I can do. You addressed him as 'friend.'"
Shocked, Bush cries, "What does that have to do with anything?"
The manager replies, "Everybody knows that friends of yours don't have to serve."
Two American hunters are out hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing so the other guy took out his cell phone and calls 911. He screamed to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Please calm down sir. We can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then BANG, a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, “OK, now what?“
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Please calm down sir. We can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then BANG, a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, “OK, now what?“
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk
Pull the pin and throw it back!
Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had
a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,
walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall
and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had
a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,
walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall
and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Just one more, especially for a Fair and Balanced report on "Political Adultery" . . . 
What's the difference between Bill Clinton's adultery that David Vitter attacked him for, calling for him to resign, and David Vitter's adultery from the same time, which he won't resign for?
About $300 an hour.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton's adultery that David Vitter attacked him for, calling for him to resign, and David Vitter's adultery from the same time, which he won't resign for?
About $300 an hour.
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Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of .....es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of .....es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ...... off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ..... in the kitchen."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of .....es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of .....es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ...... off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ..... in the kitchen."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really .......
She told him
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
She told him
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little ....... on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little ....... on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
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"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F$:k the rottweiler ate him!"
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F$:k the rottweiler ate him!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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