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[Lauralie]

A farmer decided
he wanted to go to town
and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked,
"sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

the old farmer said,
"that's my pet rooster chuck.
Wherever i go, chuck goes."

"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent
"we can't allow animals in the theater."

the old farmer went around the corner
and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth,
bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to
two old widows
named mildred and marge.

The movie started
and the rooster began to squirm.
He unbuttoned his fly so
chuck could stick his head out
and watch the movie.

"marge," whispered mildred.

"what?" said marge.

"i think the guy next to me
is a pervert."

"what makes you think so?" asked marge?

"he undid his pants and
he has his thing out", whispered mildred.

"well, don't worry about it", said marge.
"at our age we've seen 'em all"

"i thought so too", said mildred,
"but this one's eatin' my popcorn !!"

 

[Uncle]

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

 

[Odium]

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving .......s at the Post Office."

 

[Loveridden]

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

 

[kashmoney]

Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.

 

[Uncle]

Just like Ice Cream . . . With “31” different flavors for You to chose from at GreenhouseOne.com you just have to try them all so you can find “YOUR FAVORITE” 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 . . . .
I could go on – AND So Will YOU! ! !

 

[Optimo]

Matt goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

 

[woody55]

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

 

[Odium]

How can you tell if a corpse is angry?

It flips its lid!

 

[pringles13]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole darn chicken!

Sent from my Evo using Tapatalk

 

[Panky]

A blond girl is watching the news with her boyfriend. The newscaster says: "There was a plane crash today. Two brazilian man have been confirmed dead". The blonde turns to her boyfriend and says: "Oh my God! What a disaster! How many are in a brazilian?"

 

[lynleestar]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Lauralie]

You should shop at GH1 for there Greta prices

 

[2tone]

Washing Machine

A young couple used the words "washing machine" to let each other know when they were in the mood.
One day they had a small quarrel.
That night in bed, the husband says "washing machine?" to his wife.
The wife still being miffed, said no, i have a headache.
The man turns away disappointed.
The wife feeling guilty says to her husband "Honey, washing machine?"
Without turning around the man says Nah, it was a small load so i did it by hand.

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because of their great prices!

 

[Adrena]

A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him.

"Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?" asked the salesman.

"Well sonny , I'll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did."

"Wow, that's really amazing," said the salesman, "but I still don't know why the pig only has one leg."

"Well I'll tell ya," said the farmer. "One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!"

"Well that's really great but why does the pig only have one leg?"

"Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at once!"

 

[Optimo]

A teenager was in front yard mowing grass of his neighbor for his summer job, when he saw a very attractive blonde girl, Gillian, who came out of next house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened the mailbox, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the teenager was getting ready to start get ready to mow the backyard, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the teenager asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because of their great prices!

 

[Lauralie]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

 

[Natalia]

"Cash, check or charge?", I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?", I asked.

"No", she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."