What might have been is something that I think about more and more as time goes by. I grew up believing that relationships were destined to fail and the only way to avoid a broken heart was to stay alone. So I did that until my early 20's, my friendships were very close, I loved my family, but I cut out that part of my life. The heart wants what it wants though, and denying that doesn't change a damn thing, so love and loss happened anyway, no matter what I'd planned. As close as I was to my friends and family, those relationships fell apart. Doesn't really matter whether it was because betrayal, or just rejection, what once was the source of great strength and meaning, became a source of pain and sadness. I poured all of my passion into working, determined to be the hardest worker I could be, but eventually that felt meaningless too. I still work, but there is this hole inside that working doesn't fill anymore.
I think back on my life, the choices that I've made, things I have or haven't done, and I wonder. I wonder what I might have done differently, what path my life would have taken if, as a young child, I'd seen love and connection as a source of pleasure instead of pain. I regret what I didn't do more than anything I've done, that much seems to be true in my case at least. I suppose regret is one of those things that everyone has to deal with. The specifics are unique to each person, but having them is a universal part of life.