Seven New Ages of Old
Fit Midlifer
Ah, the midlife word – which emerged some years ago when middle aged people decided middle aged sounded horrible and certainly not appropriate for those wearing a smaller jeans size than the one they were wearing at thirty.
Fit Midlifers are anywhere on the spectrum from astonishingly fit for their age to just fit, and they range in age from 45 to about 80. How can this be? Well, it’s mainly down to self delusion but also the weird non-ageing thing that has happened to certain celebrities. If you found yourself watching Paul McCartney introducing the new Beatles track on television the other night you may also have found yourself saying ‘Paul’s starting to look a bit old, isn’t he?’ Bearing in mind Paul is 81 this makes you a Fit Midlifer, because your daughter is thinking ‘DUH SO OLD’.
Typical Boomer
Typical boomers (aged between 57 and 75) are not necessarily fit at all, they don’t look any different to their parents at the same age (key difference between them and Fit Midlifers who may look like a different species) but still they don’t think of themselves as getting older. Typical life stages, such as having trouble getting over a gate, finding you have to roll out of bed rather than leap out, avoiding spicy food in the evening and becoming a bit of a bird bore all indicateadvancing years. Boomers though, think that because they own some trainers, eat cous cous, have heard of Topboy and still go to concerts (albeit not often 50 Cent), they are bucking the trend.
Trad Oldster
The TO is perfectly relaxed about ageing, has zero interest in getting ripped or even dying their hair. In fact they’re extremely grateful to be left on the sofa with the whippet and the Antiques Roadshow. Rather than longing to be able to powder ski one last time, they’re fully embracing that thing that does still happen – retirement.
Reckless Oldster
Same, sort of, but drinks more. Blows all their cash on gadgets and unwise projects, keeps odd hours, and proudly never looks after their health.
Cool Old Granny/Grandpa
Naturally Cool Old Granny’s would balk at this description. But there are still people – namely anyone under thirty-five – who will take one look at Goldie Hawn/Mick Jagger and think not Fantastic For Their Age but Cool Old Granny/ Grandpa, much the same way that when we were younger and looked at Joan Rivers we didn’t think ‘How has she beaten the ageing process?’ but ‘Eew old lady with a tight face’. That much does not change.
Ongoing MLC
The big midlife crisis that hit mid-forties is ongoing and the chances are it won’t settle now until they’re
through their seventies. Who is an OMLC? All those men who are still having babies in their Eighties. All those women who look like they’re storing nuts in their cheeks.
