Did you hear about the new paint color?
It's called blonde....
It's not that bright but it spreads easy
Oh snap
It's called blonde....
It's not that bright but it spreads easy
Oh snap
Really Really Bad Jokes
- Thread starter K-Sound Krew
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What do you call a Japanese girl with one arm and one leg "standing" in your doorway?
Irene (i lean har har)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
2 cannibals are eating a clown.
One looks at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
Why do the Scotish wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away
What do you call a man with seagull on his head....... Cliff............ What do you call a man with a shovel on his head...... Doug
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out his zipper
The bartender says
"Hey buddy, do you have a steering wheel atached to your willie?"
The pirate says
"Aye, it's driving me nuts"
The bartender says
"Hey buddy, do you have a steering wheel atached to your willie?"
The pirate says
"Aye, it's driving me nuts"
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What do you call a cow with one arm and one leg?............. Lean Beef!...............
What do you call a cow with no arms or legs?............... Ground Beef!
What do you call a cow with no arms or legs?............... Ground Beef!
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise..
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So, tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Target has wallets on sale $2.99 each
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So, tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Target has wallets on sale $2.99 each
A Train hits a buss filled with catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, Tami, have you ever had any contact with a male naughty organ? She giggles and shyly replies, well i once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. He says ok dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates. He asked the next girl the same question, she says well i once fondled and stroked one. He says ok dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates. All of a sudden there is alot of commotion in the line of girls. One pushes her way to the front of the line. When she gets there he asks, Mariah, what seams to be the rush? She says if i'm going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Natalie sticks her ... in it!.
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hill billy walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right .... cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to o the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hill billy walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right .... cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to o the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
All right, we smokers know...
A boy chicken and girl egg get into bed. After a few minutes the chicken rolls over lights a cigarette and says to the egg...
"I guess that settles that question doesn't it?'
A boy chicken and girl egg get into bed. After a few minutes the chicken rolls over lights a cigarette and says to the egg...
"I guess that settles that question doesn't it?'
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, What are you up to there, Johnny?
My goldfish died, replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, and Ive just buried him. The neighbor was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, Thats because hes inside your *&^*$ cat.
NB
My goldfish died, replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, and Ive just buried him. The neighbor was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, Thats because hes inside your *&^*$ cat.
NB
This is a joke which is best done in a group, otherwise it's not that funny for the person you're telling it to.
This is what you say: "Let me show you a magic trick, I can control what kinds of things you say"
Other Person: "Okay, try."
You: "Ok, say something annoying"
And then as soon as you hear sound starting to come out of their mouth, you say "see? It worked."
This is what you say: "Let me show you a magic trick, I can control what kinds of things you say"
Other Person: "Okay, try."
You: "Ok, say something annoying"
And then as soon as you hear sound starting to come out of their mouth, you say "see? It worked."
This one is for our friends down south, I’m using Alabama as an example, but any confederate state will work just as well.
A family from Alabama has to move up north, it’s Johnny’s first day in a new elementary school, so he’s a bit nervous; being in a new environment and all. On his first day the teacher has her class count to 100, most kids can’t make it to 50, Johnny was the only one in class who could make it all the way to 100.
Excited Johnny goes home and tells his dad about his accomplishment
His dad says “You see son; your smart because your from Alabama”
The next day in school the teacher has the class recite the alphabet; most of the students could only go a few letters without making a mistake, Johnny was the only one to make it all the way from A to Z without making a mistake.
Excited Johnny goes home and tells his dad about his accomplishment
His dad says “You see son; your smart because your from Alabama, born and raised”
The next day in school it was gym class, in the shower Johnny noticed he was better endowed then all the other kids in his class.
Johnny goes home and says “Dad, today in gym I noticed mine was bigger then all the other kids, Is it because I’m from Alabama?”
The father replies “No son, it’s because your 22 yrs old”
This one is for Northern Bob:
2 Canadians are out ice fishing, they aren’t getting a bite so they decide to play 20 questions.
One guy takes a moment to think, the first thing to pop in his head is “moose c0ck”
His friend’s first question is
“Is it something you can eat?”
The guy takes a moment to think and giggles
“Sure I guess you could eat it”
The friend asks
“Ay, Is it moose c0ck?”
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This actually isn't a "joke" - but I did hear this story a few times, and I think it *might* be true. You be the judge.
A hillbilly from Arkansas leases a brand new Tundra and decides to take his buddy and go ice fishing. They pack their stuff, bring their golden retriever, and are on their way.
They get to a frozen lake and set up their equipment. Only problem is, they cannot penetrate the lake as it is too frozen and cannot make a hole to fish from. After a while of attempts, one of the hillbillies comes up with the idea of using dynamite. The other agrees, so he reaches into his truck, grabs it, ignites it, and throws it as far as he can.
Now.. Remember that I said they brought their golden retriever? That's right. The unleashed dog thinks his owner is playing fetch, and with full speed, runs to retrieve the explosive. Immediately, both men start yelling and hollering at the dog to stop, but, of course, the dog doesn't. Within 20 seconds, the dog runs across to pick up the dynamite, and is now on his way back. The men are in extreme panic. The dog's master picks up his bird hunting rifle in a scurry and starts shooting at the dog. The first shot misses the dog, but it stops for a second thinking WTF is he doing? The dog is approaching his master now, and a second shot is fired. The second shot hits the dog in the foot and it gets slightly injured.
At this point, the dog is startled and hurt, so it runs under the truck to hide. As it climbs under the truck, his nose hit the hot tailpipe and, out of sheer pain, screams out and drops the dynamite right under the car.
At this point, both men are running for their lives. The dog decides to run towards its master. A few seconds later, BAM. the dynamite makes a big hole in the lake, sinking the truck to the bottom.
Both men were uninjured with the dog only having minor injuries.
In the end, come to find out.. The lease policy did not include any damages done to the car via illegal explosives. So.. The genius had to pay his remaining 300.00+ a month until it was paid off.
A hillbilly from Arkansas leases a brand new Tundra and decides to take his buddy and go ice fishing. They pack their stuff, bring their golden retriever, and are on their way.
They get to a frozen lake and set up their equipment. Only problem is, they cannot penetrate the lake as it is too frozen and cannot make a hole to fish from. After a while of attempts, one of the hillbillies comes up with the idea of using dynamite. The other agrees, so he reaches into his truck, grabs it, ignites it, and throws it as far as he can.
Now.. Remember that I said they brought their golden retriever? That's right. The unleashed dog thinks his owner is playing fetch, and with full speed, runs to retrieve the explosive. Immediately, both men start yelling and hollering at the dog to stop, but, of course, the dog doesn't. Within 20 seconds, the dog runs across to pick up the dynamite, and is now on his way back. The men are in extreme panic. The dog's master picks up his bird hunting rifle in a scurry and starts shooting at the dog. The first shot misses the dog, but it stops for a second thinking WTF is he doing? The dog is approaching his master now, and a second shot is fired. The second shot hits the dog in the foot and it gets slightly injured.
At this point, the dog is startled and hurt, so it runs under the truck to hide. As it climbs under the truck, his nose hit the hot tailpipe and, out of sheer pain, screams out and drops the dynamite right under the car.
At this point, both men are running for their lives. The dog decides to run towards its master. A few seconds later, BAM. the dynamite makes a big hole in the lake, sinking the truck to the bottom.
Both men were uninjured with the dog only having minor injuries.
In the end, come to find out.. The lease policy did not include any damages done to the car via illegal explosives. So.. The genius had to pay his remaining 300.00+ a month until it was paid off.
2 Irish guys are sitting in a pub having a few pints
They look out the window and see a Protestant minister walk into the brothel located across the street.
One of the Irishmen says
Tis a shame to see a man of the cloth give into his sexual desires
A few moments later they see a Rabbi walk into the brothel
The other Irishmen says
Tis a shame, even the Jews cant contain their lustily desires
A few moments later they see a Catholic priest walk into the brothel
One of the Irishmen says
Tis a shame, one of the girls must be very very ill
A Buddhist monk, a Catholic priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender looks at them and says
Is this some kind of joke?
They look out the window and see a Protestant minister walk into the brothel located across the street.
One of the Irishmen says
Tis a shame to see a man of the cloth give into his sexual desires
A few moments later they see a Rabbi walk into the brothel
The other Irishmen says
Tis a shame, even the Jews cant contain their lustily desires
A few moments later they see a Catholic priest walk into the brothel
One of the Irishmen says
Tis a shame, one of the girls must be very very ill
A Buddhist monk, a Catholic priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender looks at them and says
Is this some kind of joke?
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and a very attractive young woman sitting together on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the attractive girl and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed the girl and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
The girl was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irish fella and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English ....... again
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed the girl and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
The girl was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irish fella and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English ....... again
so there's a rabbi, a protestent priest, and a catholic priest all on a sinking boat... there's also three little boys and only three life preservers...
the rabbi turns to the other two and states "we've had long fruitful lives.. we should give the preservers to the kids".. the protestent says " screw the kids!!".. the catholic says "do we have time???"
the rabbi turns to the other two and states "we've had long fruitful lives.. we should give the preservers to the kids".. the protestent says " screw the kids!!".. the catholic says "do we have time???"
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs...
in the ocean?
Bob
at your door?
Mat
on your wall?
Art
in a pile of leaves?
Russel
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call an Aisan woman with one leg?
Irene
What do you call a dog with no hind legs a bollocks of steel?
Sparky
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
in the ocean?
Bob
at your door?
Mat
on your wall?
Art
in a pile of leaves?
Russel
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call an Aisan woman with one leg?
Irene
What do you call a dog with no hind legs a bollocks of steel?
Sparky
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
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