The Joke Tread!

[GreMos90]

I don't know if this ones in here or not but I'll post it anyway! It's a joke I was told working on a pipeline project.. Extra funny since it was a foreman who told me it at the morning toolbox meeting haha.

Three desperately ill men go to their doctor seeking help. One is and alcoholic, one is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave. The alcoholic sees a bar, hears its loud music, and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"

 

[jj2]

Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch!

 

[whodat2112]

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. When I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, "No, one drag is enough."

Hey, I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

 

[jj2]

Q: Why did the snake cross the road?
A: To get to the other ssssssside!

 

[whodat2112]

My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.

 

[jj2]

Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.

 

[whodat2112]

Though not technically jokes......these are funny

 

[whodat2112]

 

[jj2]

Q: What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
A: A milk dud!

 

[whodat2112]

 

[jj2]

Q: When is a well dressed lion like a weed?
A: When he's a dandelion (dandy lion)

 

[whodat2112]

 

[jj2]

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: Pleased to eat you.

 

[whodat2112]

This is Hilarious
From SCTV

 

[jj2]

Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny!

 

[liblue1]

 

[jj2]

Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg?

A : Because it is too tyred.

 

[jj2]

Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?

A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

 

[liblue1]

 

[jj2]

Q: What fish only swims at night?
A: A starfish!