Today's Laugh

[warpedone]

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

 

[Happy Domino38]

This is NOT clean..but it's funny as hell...don't blame me if you read on..

There's a girl with the unfortunate birth defect of having her 'lady parts' on her face. Hard to find a boyfriend. Until, she meets a guy with a wooden eye. He had always been made fun of in school...everytime he sneezed, there went his eye, etc.

So, when they meet, they both think the same thing.."look at him, he won't make fun of ME.." and "well, look at her, SHE won't make fun of ME..." and start dating.

A month of two into things, everything is going swimmingly. One night, over a romantic dinner, he looks at his new love and says, "Darling, I'm really enjoying your company..." to which she responds with, "Oh, me TOO." (best said with a bit of a lisp in your speech, keep in mind where her 'defect' lies...)

"I'm just so happy in your company, I'd love to go away with you somewhere on holiday.." he says

"Oh! That would be WONDERFUL!" says she

"Would you like to go on a cruise?" he asks

"WOULD I!!" is her excited reply

To which her new love replies, vehmenently, "...... YOU C**TFACE!!"

(Get it? Would I? = wood eye..)

 

[Happy Domino38]

This isn't a joke persay, but something my husband actually did in real life...(yes, there's a LOT of these type of 'incidences' in his past)

He strolls in to see a friend of his at the local Fire Dept. and this fellow is eating a honey comb. (the real thing). He asks what he's eating, he's told, he asks for a bite, the friend tells him to swing on it, so he asks him how much he paid for the piece of honeycomb. Gary tells him he bought it for $5. The hubby tells him that, A) he hoped he choked on it and B) he got ripped off because the guy that HE knows sells them for 50 cents a piece and leaves.

A week or so later, there's a message from Gary asking if he can come down to the Fire Hall again because he has something for him. I relay the message and here he comes home with a pocketfull of CASH. I'm talking about 2 or 3 THOUSAND dollars.

I don't ask any questions. (It's just easier that way)

The money was for honey comb orders. Word travels fast in the department. There was two FULL pages of fullscap with names and amounts on them, okay?

WEEKS go by, Brian goes in a few times, each time he walks in, he's SWARMED by guys asking about their PAID FOR honey. Brian responds with a HOLLERED, "HEY! Back off! These things take TIME y'know!" Of course, he's deferrentially apologized to and finally allows himself to be cajoled back to the station even though they were 'mean to him'.

Finally, Brian goes back in. He's swarmed. He WAITS until ALL of them are in the break room before telling them all, "Well, how the should I know how much longer it'll be, the guys only GOT two bees"

What happened to him? Well, he's a lot more 'spry' than he appears! (This was around 15-16 years ago, so he'd have been around 55 or so at the time. With 98% of the guys being under 30) He was able to JUMP the last 10 stairs in the stairwell and make it into the bathroom in front of the MOB. (To be fair, they're progress was rather hindered by the other half of the guys who were laughing too hard to get up...yes, they SHOULD have known better!).

Then, they lit a bunch of oily rags in front of the door, but Brian outsmarted all of them by pressing his nose against the VENT by standing on one of the toilets. The only flesh colored thing on his face when he made it home were his EYES.

NOW do you know why I don't ask questions? You're right! It IS easier that way!

(and yes, everyone got their money back...)

 

[bobtow]

A little boy about five goes up to the wicket at the dairy queen. The clerk sports the top of his cowboy hat, and say, hi therwe cowboy what would you like? He draws his cap gun points it at her nose and s ays Choclit. She puts it in a little tub, comes back and asks, Do you want some syrup on that? He points his gun at her nose and says, Yep. She putr syrup on the ice cream, looks over at him and say do you want crushed nut? he draws his guns again, and says, Do you wants your .... shot off?

 

[Thyestean]

 

[notsoogood]

Good lord Thy...the things you find!!! LOL

 

[Thyestean]

Good lord Thy...the things you find!!! LOL

you can blame skydragon for that one since I came across it while looking for something to post in response to one of her comments

but c'mon tell me that ain't funny. Funny as in odd and funny as in haha.

 

[skydragon]

you can blame skydragon for that one since I came across it while looking for something to post in response to one of her comments

but c'mon tell me that ain't funny. Funny as in odd and funny as in haha.

Hey now, THAT is not my fault. I told the giraffe over and over again that she was not his type. But would he listen? Nooooooooooooooo

 

[Thyestean]

______

 

[5cardstud]

Thyestean, You won the gold metal. I don't think that can be topped
That jackass don't look to happy though. I laughed till I cried looking at that jackasses face.

 

[Thyestean]

Thyestean, You won the gold metal. I don't think that can be topped
That jackass don't look to happy though. I laughed till I cried looking at that jackasses face.

 

[WitchWay]

I can't even come up with a good comment about that picture after laughing so hard.

That's a winner Thye!!!!

 

[WhatAClumsyGirl]

lmaooooooo at that picture !!



Thought for the day:

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings...
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick.

We are flexible like that.

 

[HzG8rGrl]

Just love your thought for the day WACG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[woodslady1]

Anger Management​

Sometimes when you are angry with someone,

it helps to sit down,​

​

take a moment to cool off, ​

and think about the problem.

​

Works for Me!!!​

 

[warpedone]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[grimmer255]

CAR TROUBLE



A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died..

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

lol......

 

[grimmer255]

Last year a blond replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. She got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed over a year ago and she still hadn't paid for them. She said, "Look, just because I'm blond doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid." She explained that his fast talking sales guy had told her last year, particularly that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves and, "Helllooooo? It's been a year!"

this is one is to funny

 

[grimmer255]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

 

[grimmer255]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"