Valley View Vapes - Weekly Contest and Chit Chat thread - Win a Free Tank!

[Karn]

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

 

[lettucehead]

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'

 

[Karn]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

 

[spacekitty]

Little Lucy found her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs stiff in the air.
“Daddy! What’s wrong with Tiddles?”
Daddy gently said, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.”
“But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?” asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say, he replied, “Well, ah, Tiddles’ legs are pointing up because that makes it easier for Jesus to pick her up and take her back to heaven.”

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death pretty well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died this morning!”
“What? What happened, Lucy? Tell Daddy!”
“Well,” mumbled Lucy, “this morning I found Mommy lying on the kitchen floor with her legs straight up in the air, shouting, ‘Oh, Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!’ It’s a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she’d have gone to heaven!”

 

[Karn]

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

 

[lettucehead]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

 

[Karn]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

 

[anavidfan]

Hello everyone, just got in 2 of the triple v pyrex, love them, easy first fill, 2 holes prepunched boges work great. I was going to add an exta hole to top of carto, but decided to leave it as is. juice is flowing great, 50/50 mix. Unlike the phins, no need for 3rd hole. These are wonderful, and at that price you can have one on hand with all your favorite juice. There is no slippage, and no leaks. The only thing I wonder Ray, is how do you suggest adding more juice to it, I have wasted to much juice lately , I dont want to make a mess. If you can let me know the best way to go around topping of juice let me know. I love these. I will definately be getting a couple more. Can I choose black grommets instead of red? Hope to hear from you soon!

 

[Karn]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

 

[spacekitty]

A mother mouse and her three children were feasting in the kitchen when she saw the cat slinking towards them, blocking their path to their mouse hole.

Mother Mouse took a deep breath and, in a loud deep voice, said, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. She then quickly led her children back to safety.

When their hearts had stopped racing, she asked, “Now, children, what did we learn from that?”

The baby mice squealed, “Watch out for the cat?”

“No,” said their mother. “It’s good to know a second language!”

 

[Karn]

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

 

[lettucehead]

The owner of a business is confused about paying an invoice, so he decides to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and says, 'You graduated from the University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thinks a moment, and replies, 'Everything but my earrings.'

 

[RayN]

Hello everyone, just got in 2 of the triple v pyrex, love them, easy first fill, 2 holes prepunched boges work great. I was going to add an exta hole to top of carto, but decided to leave it as is. Juice is flowing great, 50/50 mix. Unlike the phins, no need for 3rd hole. These are wonderful, and at that price you can have one on hand with all your favorite juice. There is no slippage, and no leaks. The only thing I wonder Ray, is how do you suggest adding more juice to it, I have wasted to much juice lately , I dont want to make a mess. If you can let me know the best way to go around topping of juice let me know. I love these. I will definately be getting a couple more. Can I choose black grommets instead of red? Hope to hear from you soon!

Glad you're loving your new tanks! At the moment, I only have red grommets for they Pyrex line, I do have a couple of other colors ordered (black and the same blue as on my jumbo tanks), but no ETA on those yet. I will have them available for separate purchase when I get them in.
To fill those can be a little tricky. The method I recommend is using a syringe, slid along the cartomizer, between the grommet and carto. The silicone on that grommet is made a little soft to help it reseal itself after doing this. An alternative method is to pry up the lip of the grommet enough to slip a syringe between the grommet and the glass.
Hope that helps!

 

[lettucehead]

The Sheriff pulls up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replies.

"That's why I am dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine for dumping garbage.'

 

[anavidfan]

Glad you're loving your new tanks! At the moment, I only have red grommets for they Pyrex line, I do have a couple of other colors ordered (black and the same blue as on my jumbo tanks), but no ETA on those yet. I will have them available for separate purchase when I get them in.
To fill those can be a little tricky. The method I recommend is using a syringe, slid along the cartomizer, between the grommet and carto. The silicone on that grommet is made a little soft to help it reseal itself after doing this. An alternative method is to pry up the lip of the grommet enough to slip a syringe between the grommet and the glass.
Hope that helps!

I will try that out right now.... I figured that I would try that but , just wanted to make sure, thanks again

 

[RayN]

I will try that out right now.... I figured that I would try that but , just wanted to make sure, thanks again

Happy to help, feel free to contact me anytime. E-mail will often get a faster response than a post, but I do read all the posts frequently.

 

[lettucehead]

he young man from the South comes running into the store and says to his buddy,
'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replies, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answers, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

 

[spacekitty]

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were
2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied,
"I think it's printed on the bottom."

 

[RayN]

I'm going to hate to end this contest! I'm really enjoying all the laughs I'm getting!!

 

[Karn]

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.