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[Karn]

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.

They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live?.

The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

 

[lettucehead]

Five of the Shortest Books Ever Written

Arctic Water Polo
Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
One-Legged Folk Dances
Advanced Subtraction
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

 

[Karn]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

 

[lettucehead]

'Deja Moo': The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

[spacekitty]

To err is human... to moo, Bovine...

 

[lettucehead]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

[Karn]

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."

Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.

All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.

Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..".

Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window.

Again, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it..

 

[spacekitty]

Door to door salesman knocks on the door. A 12 yr old boy opens the door holding a cigar in one hand a glass of whiskey in the other hand and a Penthouse mag under his arm.

Salesman: "Is your mother or father home?"

Boy: "What the do you think?"

 

[CcaT]

Two atoms are walking down the street. One of them says, "Hey, I just lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" his friend asks.

"Yeah" says the first one, "I'm positive."

 

[spacekitty]

A guy gets a flat tire near an insane asylum. When he gets the lug nuts off the flat tire he puts them inside the hub cap, and when he stands up he accidentally steps on the hub cap, the lug nuts come flying out, roll toward the curb, and fall down deeply into a rain grate.

"Now what do I do?" said the guy.

There is this crazy guy who has been leaning against the fence the whole time watching the whole thing, so the crazy guy makes a suggestion.

"Why don't you take one lug nut off of each of the other tires? That way all four tires will have 3 lug nuts. That should be enough to get you safely to a garage where you can buy another set."

"That's brilliant!" says the stranded driver. "That's really a great idea. What is someone as smart as you are doing in an insane asylum?"

"Well," says the patient. "I may be crazy, but I'm not STUPID!"

 

[minyddol]

I Changed My Car Horn To Shot Gun Sounds... People Move Out Of The Way Much Faster Now. . . .

 

[spacekitty]

What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?

He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!

 

[Karn]

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

 

[spacekitty]

I gave my cat a bath today... He seemed to like it, but I wasn't too crazy about it.

His fur sticks to my tongue!!

 

[Karn]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[minyddol]

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer were once travelling by a car when suddenly, for no apparent reason, the car stops.
They decide to put their expertise to use.
The mechanical engineer starts by checking for faults in the engine, but with no avail, the car still refuses to start. The chemical engineer goes next, checking the fuel. He too finds no problems.
They turn to the software engineer who, with a very intense look, suggests " I think we should shut all the windows and re-open them".

 

[spacekitty]

A Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the
Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any
way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor
family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and
says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven.
Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All
of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even
women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you
think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord
says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep
on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since
you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could
have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are
theeeeeeee best!!!"

 

[minyddol]

Today on the Jeremy Kyle Show: "A family in ruins; the husband shouts racial rants at our guests including the Americans, Irish, French and Chinese, the eldest son is accused of having an affair with a woman 30 years younger than him - we have lie detector results, and my team will be helping one of the grandsons who thinks its funny to dress up as a nazi"

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Queen Elizabeth to the stage...

 

[Karn]

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ....... in the family than a lawyer."

 

[spacekitty]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few
moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly
agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down
next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is
dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he
owes. The vet answers, "$350."

"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."