Valley View Vapes - Weekly Contest and Chit Chat thread - Win a Free Tank!

[Karn]

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'

 

[spacekitty]

A couple were going out for the evening. They got ready, all dolled up, cat put
out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as the couple go out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want
the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi
driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he
says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out!"

 

[Karn]

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

 

[spacekitty]

And then there was Cat...

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.... On the second day, God
created man to serve the cat.... On the third day, God created all the animals of
the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.... On the fourth day, God created
honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.... On the fifth day, God
created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.... On the
sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man
broke.... On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the
litterbox.... Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen!

 

[Karn]

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven.

But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

 

[spacekitty]

Nine Lives

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'd die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

 

[Karn]

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?
Because deep down they really are good people.

 

[spacekitty]

The Bachelor And His Cat

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

 

[lettucehead]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day.

But I couldn't find any.

 

[spacekitty]

This one goes out to ISBN... where ever he is...

How do you make a cat drink?

1 cat
2 lemons
Vodka
Mix, then serve

 

[Karn]

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use.

One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. T

he second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane.

The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

 

[CcaT]

Man.. Karn doesn't like lawyers, does he?

 

[spacekitty]

Man.. Karn doesn't like lawyers, does he?

I was just thinking the same thing... LOL!!

(either that, or he IS one... )

 

[Karn]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.<

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer.

"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!"

 

[spacekitty]

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling", said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this..."

"Get out of here!", cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

 

[RayN]

Glad I opted for a random winner, if I had to pick I'd never be able to decide!!

 

[Karn]

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.

One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.

The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit was happy to know what he was.

He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are."

The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

 

[spacekitty]

What did one cat say to another?

Nothing. Cats can't speak.

 

[Karn]

Glad I opted for a random winner, if I had to pick I'd never be able to decide!!

It has been a fun contest lol

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's .... when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

 

[spacekitty]

Jim let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog’s mouth was his neighbor’s cat, dead!

“Bad dog! BAD DOG!” said the panicked man. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbor’s porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it’s beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put its collar back on. Since it was so dark, he crept into the neighbor’s yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the door.

The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” replied Jim, nervously.

His neighbor said, “Something weird happened last night.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that,” asked Jim, sweating now.

“Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him. This morning he was lying on my front porch!”