Depression

[jjrose]

That's great! It's a big step and maybe the hardest one to take! I know I put it off this last time. In the past I wasn't as bad. I'd go right in, but I had a poor pshychologist experience so when I spiraled down into it this time, I put off going...

Are you going to a medical doc or psychiatrist or psychologist? Is this the first time you are seeking a professional's help? I ask because sometimes it can take a few trys to find the right doctor so don't get discouraged if the first one isn't the right one! (I know it's hard not to be discouraged when it takes all your strength just to go see the first Dr.) I wish you the best and don't be afraid to tell the Dr what you think you need or want to accomplish by seeing him/her.

P.S. - Don't worry about your sink, if it's too hard right now try something smaller, like one dish on the counter. Definitely don't let yourself feel bad about not doing it, just start somewhere else. One tiny little thing at a time...

Keep us posted because we're here to listen!

Honestly I have no clue who I'm going to see...The appt was set up for me, and I was told to go...I did talk to a nice therapist at the office, OK well, talk isn't right...bawled is more the word...My mom has been calling everyone being over dramatic, and telling them I might have to go to a "facility". She can't survive unless there is some drama, and she can't figure out why no one wants to go see her...

On a good note...I can see the bottom of my sink this morning...not shiny, but visible.

 

[Nighthawk]

Big ((((HUGS)))) to JJRose! You are doing wonderfully! It was the hardest thing for me to go to the dr. I could take my kids in to the shrink, no problem. I worked in an adult acute care section of a hospital. I'm a Nurse for goodness sakes! I so totally knew better, many times over. And I'd make excuses, put it off. And when I did go in, just o my regular dr, explained what was going on, my symptoms, ect... it was such a non-event! ok, here's your script! ta-da.
It does take up to several weeks for the meds to get built up in your system enough to really see a difference, so hang in there! It's not going to make you weird-- happyhappyhappy, you will just start to notice you feel 'ok' more often than not. Life gets smoother feeling. you are still going to have 'issues', but they will seem like things you can work on instead of an avalanche.
Remember to pamper yourself during this time, you are your most precious possession so treat yourself like it! You are SO worth it! Big loves and hugs from all of us here. We've been there for sure.

 

[Nyxie]

Isnt that the truth about the meds. I thought I would get happy or stupid at first . Then I thought they didn't work and one day a couple weeks after taking them I was like . OH! So this is what it feels like to be normal? I never even knew I was depressed. I have just never been happy. I went to the Dr for an anxiety problem I had, he gave me depression meds and BAM I was all normal.

Big ((((HUGS)))) to JJRose! You are doing wonderfully! It was the hardest thing for me to go to the dr. I could take my kids in to the shrink, no problem. I worked in an adult acute care section of a hospital. I'm a Nurse for goodness sakes! I so totally knew better, many times over. And I'd make excuses, put it off. And when I did go in, just o my regular dr, explained what was going on, my symptoms, ect... it was such a non-event! ok, here's your script! ta-da.
It does take up to several weeks for the meds to get built up in your system enough to really see a difference, so hang in there! It's not going to make you weird-- happyhappyhappy, you will just start to notice you feel 'ok' more often than not. Life gets smoother feeling. you are still going to have 'issues', but they will seem like things you can work on instead of an avalanche.
Remember to pamper yourself during this time, you are your most precious possession so treat yourself like it! You are SO worth it! Big loves and hugs from all of us here. We've been there for sure.

 

[Friend of Atlas]

Isnt that the truth about the meds. I thought I would get happy or stupid at first . Then I thought they didn't work and one day a couple weeks after taking them I was like . OH! So this is what it feels like to be normal? I never even knew I was depressed. I have just never been happy. I went to the Dr for an anxiety problem I had, he gave me depression meds and BAM I was all normal.

Hmmm, I just started meds for the 2nd time about 2 months ago. I'm not weepy anymore, but I still don't feel 'normal' - honestly I don't know if I know what that is. I've been depressed since I was at least 13 - when puberty kicked in! I guess those hormones really messed me up .

I'm still completely unmotivated and to make things worse the I'm suffering from really bad insomnia since I started the meds. The Dr. said it's a side effect (just got in to see him today) and he gave me another anti-depressant to take in conjunction with the first that supposed to have the side effect of drowsiness. We'll see... I'm skeptical if I have to take a med with a side effect to battle another meds side effect!

In the past I was a strict talk/behavior therapy gal. Then I took the anti-depressant that's supposed to help quit smoking, that first one they came out with (I took it 7-8 years ago now). It was awful - it really ramped up my anxiety levels and I felt out of control. I quickly stopped using it. I was even more wary of meds then ever after that, but this last bout of depression really kicked my a**. All summer I cried at the most inopportune moments and I cried everywhere, all the time. I stopped leaving the house and started smoking 2-3 PAD. Enough was enough, so I went to the Dr and cried there and he put me on a different med and now things have evened out a little. At least I've stopped crying all the time. In fact, I think I've only cried once since I started this.

Now if only I would regain some motivation! Maybe that's not the depression, maybe I'm just LAZY! 8-o

 

[Nighthawk]

Isnt that the truth about the meds. I thought I would get happy or stupid at first . Then I thought they didn't work and one day a couple weeks after taking them I was like . OH! So this is what it feels like to be normal? I never even knew I was depressed. I have just never been happy. I went to the Dr for an anxiety problem I had, he gave me depression meds and BAM I was all normal.

same thing happened to me Nyxie! We live with it for so long, it's what our normal is. then when we get a new normal, it's weird. A good weird, but weird still. I hate being off meds. I have got to scrape up the money somewhere to go back to the dr again. It's not been a sudden crash when I ran out, just a slow slide back into the abyss. I don't want to go back there again. ugh! It such a hard thing for me (and those that have never suffered from it) to respect that I have a chronic disease--- not an attitude problem or character flaw. It is sooooo insidious! creeps under your skin and eats up what little self esteem I've managed to build. Steals my energy and motivation to get up and Fight! it.
I am very glad to be here with all of you! The love and support mean a lot to me, especially when it comes from people who know exactly what I am dealing with!

 

[Nighthawk]

Hmmm, I just started meds for the 2nd time about 2 months ago. I'm not weepy anymore, but I still don't feel 'normal' - honestly I don't know if I know what that is. I've been depressed since I was at least 13 - when puberty kicked in! I guess those hormones really messed me up .

I'm still completely unmotivated and to make things worse the I'm suffering from really bad insomnia since I started the meds. The Dr. said it's a side effect (just got in to see him today) and he gave me another anti-depressant to take in conjunction with the first that supposed to have the side effect of drowsiness. We'll see... I'm skeptical if I have to take a med with a side effect to battle another meds side effect!

In the past I was a strict talk/behavior therapy gal. Then I took the anti-depressant that's supposed to help quit smoking, that first one they came out with (I took it 7-8 years ago now). It was awful - it really ramped up my anxiety levels and I felt out of control. I quickly stopped using it. I was even more wary of meds then ever after that, but this last bout of depression really kicked my a**. All summer I cried at the most inopportune moments and I cried everywhere, all the time. I stopped leaving the house and started smoking 2-3 PAD. Enough was enough, so I went to the Dr and cried there and he put me on a different med and now things have evened out a little. At least I've stopped crying all the time. In fact, I think I've only cried once since I started this.

Now if only I would regain some motivation! Maybe that's not the depression, maybe I'm just LAZY! 8-o

I can remember being 5 years old, maybe younger and feeling seriously depressed. I didn't have the words for it, of course. But that's what it was. I also have a genetic hormonal imbalance that kicked in at puberty that didn't help. getting on birth control pills really helped a lot with that, as far as my mood and ability to think went. It does sound like you haven't found the right combo of meds just yet. I was so very lucky that the first thing we tried worked well. Sometimes it takes a long while to get the meds right. Hang in there, don't give up, give it time. Keep going back to the dr until you are on an even keel. Some dr's you can just call their nurse, explain the issue and the dr will adjust the meds over the phone with the pharmacy. Wellness is around the corner!

 

[Nyxie]

I was so very lucky that the first thing we tried worked well. Sometimes it takes a long while to get the meds right. Hang in there, don't give up, give it time. Keep going back to the dr until you are on an even keel. Some dr's you can just call their nurse, explain the issue and the dr will adjust the meds over the phone with the pharmacy. Wellness is around the corner!

I was thinking this too about the right meds. I went to the Dr for anxiety , not depression. I never knew those two things are so closely related. Most of the anxiety I had had to do with driving. After I had my second daughter. I was suddenly terrified to die and leave my kids to be raised by someone else (ex hubby). I had some impending doom thought that I would die in a car accident every time I got in the car. I was so bad at one point that when someone else drove (control freak much) that I was brought to tears literally. I wasn't much better driving on my own either. I got to the point that I just didn't go anywhere that took more then a 5 minute ride. So luckily I was able to take side streets most places back then in Chicago.
Anyway . the Dr gave me welbutrin (the first stop smoking pill) I think he thought he would kill two birds , ya know. That stopped me from smoking for 8 months, but I still had anxiety. I went back and forth thinking it was just me , all in my head blah blah blah. I stopped taking the welbutrin because I stopped smoking and didnt feel any less anxious. I started smoking again within weeks of stopping and was now smoking like a chimney and anxious. Went back to the Dr after almost completely stopping my car in the center lane of 90/94 in Chicago. Told him ok this anxiety is getting dangerous now, it has to stop. He gave me paxil. All I got was ........, nothing like being anxious about dying in a car and where the next bathroom is LOL. Then I finally got celexa. After two weeks of that I felt like I could drive to Wi. and back and I did! I was happy to be able to drive and like it again. I use to want to be a nascar driver LOL. Then I noticed shortly after that, the world isnt as grey and nasty as I always thought it was. I don't remember not being depressed now that I know I was/am. I think I was born that way.
I took the celexa for about 2 yrs and realized most of my really bad depression was caused from my ex and I kicked him out and moved out of state to keep him away from me and my kids. My daughter still goes to visit but at least I don't have to look at his mug every other weekend. After I kicked him out I stopped taking the celexa , I went to counseling (again) and was living happily with my 2 girls. I met now current and permanent hubby and all was great until his ex rears her ugly head LOL. Now I am in counseling to deal with my co dependence issues and adult child behaviors. I live next door to my Mother , so this isnt an easy fix LOL.

 

[jjrose]

Does anyone ever just want to run? I tried hiding, but it didn't work...OK it did work for years, but I don't think I can pull that off again. Now I just want to run away...anywhere quiet, where people aren't demanding things from me. I managed to just go to the bank today without getting on the interstate and driving till I ran out of gas.
Bad day.

 

[Nyxie]

Does anyone ever just want to run? I tried hiding, but it didn't work...OK it did work for years, but I don't think I can pull that off again. Now I just want to run away...anywhere quiet, where people aren't demanding things from me. I managed to just go to the bank today without getting on the interstate and driving till I ran out of gas.
Bad day.

Yep I ran , it didnt work :-( I still had to deal with crap. Now it is just different crap. I think the hardest thing to do is learn to say NO when people demand things from us. I am learning that and still fail miserably at it sometimes. Baby steps I guess.
I hope you get a little relief when you start seeing the Dr. I wish I could give ya a hug!

 

[jjrose]

Thanks Nixie. The only reason I haven't run is my son. But it took almost 2 hours to get the bills together, and listed for DH, and then I got yelled at because the money to pay them won't be in for a week. I got so upset I threw up on the floor. I
m trying, but it never seems good enough. I can't work after school hours because he doesn't trust anyone with our son. I can't work nights, because he wants me home when he's home. I do sub at the school when they need me, but I'm feeling so shut off from everyone, and he hates me on the computer when he's home. IDK. just blathering on...

 

[Nyxie]

It sounds like you are going through some of what I went through with my ex. I am sorry you have to deal with that.
Did you find out what kind of Dr you are going to see yet?

Thanks Nixie. The only reason I haven't run is my son. But it took almost 2 hours to get the bills together, and listed for DH, and then I got yelled at because the money to pay them won't be in for a week. I got so upset I threw up on the floor. I
m trying, but it never seems good enough. I can't work after school hours because he doesn't trust anyone with our son. I can't work nights, because he wants me home when he's home. I do sub at the school when they need me, but I'm feeling so shut off from everyone, and he hates me on the computer when he's home. IDK. just blathering on...

 

[jjrose]

It sounds like you are going through some of what I went through with my ex. I am sorry you have to deal with that.
Did you find out what kind of Dr you are going to see yet?

Nope, but I didn't try to find out...I'm just going...
It's hard to tell DH what's wrong, when I have no clue myself...He says to just get up and do something, but I get up and start 400 things, and don't finish any of them, and that makes me feel worse...And all the crying. I've never been a crier. now I think I lose a gallon of water a day.

 

[Nyxie]

Nope, but I didn't try to find out...I'm just going...
It's hard to tell DH what's wrong, when I have no clue myself...He says to just get up and do something, but I get up and start 400 things, and don't finish any of them, and that makes me feel worse...And all the crying. I've never been a crier. now I think I lose a gallon of water a day.

Well I am glad you are going. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to explain how you feel. It is a scary feeling.
Have you made yourself a to do list , instead of trying to do it all? I started making a list of no more than 10 things , no matter how small the things are. you can even put get dressed on there. If you can even start with 5 things on the list you may feel some accomplishment as you check things off. That may help a bit with your self esteem. Trying to do 400 or even 2 or three things at a time things doesn't work for most people so don't beat yourself up over that. Heck I am lucky to remember to turn the washer on and then the dryer LOL.

 

[jjrose]

Well I am glad you are going. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to explain how you feel. It is a scary feeling.
Have you made yourself a to do list , instead of trying to do it all? I started making a list of no more than 10 things , no matter how small the things are. you can even put get dressed on there. If you can even start with 5 things on the list you may feel some accomplishment as you check things off. That may help a bit with your self esteem. Trying to do 400 or even 2 or three things at a time things doesn't work for most people so don't beat yourself up over that. Heck I am lucky to remember to turn the washer on and then the dryer LOL.

I forgot the laundry in the washer for 3 days...yuck! I just started them with some vinegar to kill the smell...I've always been the one who multi tasks...kid, house, animals, running our business now I have a stack of invoices to do, but can't seem to do them. I start, but never finish.

 

[JerryRM]

Nope, but I didn't try to find out...I'm just going...
It's hard to tell DH what's wrong, when I have no clue myself...He says to just get up and do something, but I get up and start 400 things, and don't finish any of them, and that makes me feel worse...And all the crying. I've never been a crier. now I think I lose a gallon of water a day.

JJ, I could tell that something was bothering you, cheer up, things will get better. You are doing the right thing by seeing a doctor. Remember, you are somebody, who is important to a lot of people.

 

[jjrose]

Hi Jerry...thanks.

 

[Nyxie]

I forgot the laundry in the washer for 3 days...yuck! I just started them with some vinegar to kill the smell...I've always been the one who multi tasks...kid, house, animals, running our business now I have a stack of invoices to do, but can't seem to do them. I start, but never finish.

Yes and it is nasty after 3 days LOL. Especially in Fl. I was actually thinking about it when I got my new one delivered last week. I am gonna try really hard not to leave the washer full. Hopefully I can remember to empty it so it doesnt stink like the one we had.
Sounds like we do kind of the same thing. I do the paperwork for the hubby's company and all the house wife crap. I rehomed my kinkajou because I felt guilty for not playing with her enough. So now I just have the 3 dogs and cat to feed.

 

[JerryRM]

Hi Jerry...thanks.

JJ, I have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years. From my own personal experience, I found out that medicine helped initially, but realizing one's self-worth and equality to others is the ultimate cure.

 

[jjrose]

Yes and it is nasty after 3 days LOL. Especially in Fl. I was actually thinking about it when I got my new one delivered last week. I am gonna try really hard not to leave the washer full. Hopefully I can remember to empty it so it doesnt stink like the one we had.
Sounds like we do kind of the same thing. I do the paperwork for the hubby's company and all the house wife crap. I rehomed my kinkajou because I felt guilty for not playing with her enough. So now I just have the 3 dogs and cat to feed.

Kinkajous are soo cute...I almost bought one a few years ago, but I already had too many pets...but I love animals..we have a raccoon, a horse, 2 dogs a bearded dragon. But I want to get another Prairie dog in the spring, and maybe an alpaca.

 

[jjrose]

JJ, I have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years. From my own personal experience, I found out that medicine helped initially, but realizing one's self-worth and equality to others is the ultimate cure.

I'm working on it...OK I'm trying to work on it...T helps pull me put of my funk when she can, even when I try to tune her out...
She can be pretty loud sometimes.