Here's the FDA request document re-written in plain English for five-year-olds or people who have been awake a very long time.
A letter from the FDA to the world:
We have been told by Congress and the President to do tobacco research. We can’t do any research on cigarettes until we know what the properties of an average cigarette is. We want someone to build a totally average tobacco cigarette. That way, when we examine any other cigarette, we’ll have something to compare it to.
This will be good for us in two ways. First, we’ll learn about aspects of cigarettes we haven’t yet measured very well, such as the properties of things besides tar, nicotine, and carbon dioxide. Second, when a company claims to have made a safer tobacco product, everyone will be able to prove or disprove their claims by comparing it to this totally average cigarette.
This will be good for science. Science is good for public health. Here’s a big list of ways a totally average cigarette can be helpful.
-Scientists can prove they know how to measure something they already know is there.
-Scientists can prove that their cigarette-measuring devices are working.
-Employee training
-Scientists can prove that their experiments are smartly designed.
-A control model to compare other cigarettes to.
Here’s what we need.
We need totally average cigarettes. They need to be made all at once, and last for several years.
You need to measure these totally average cigarettes and show that they all have the same tobacco blend, chemical additives, size, filter, etc.
You will need to tell us how to store them once you give them to us.
You need to be able to ship them to us 7-10 days after we ask you for them, and keep them safe during transit.
We’re probably not going to do any research ourselves. Instead, we’ll hire other companies to do it for us. So when you send us the data on your totally average cigarette, make sure you write it down in a way other scientists will understand.
THE GRAND PRIZE
We’re allowed to pay someone about ten million dollars over five years. If you win, we’ll totally give you everything we’re allowed to give you. We’ll give you two thirds of the money during the first year. You can only use the money for things we OK in advance.
WHO CAN ENTER?
You can only build these for us if you are a college or university (especially schools for Hispanics, blacks, Native Americans, Asians, or Pacific Islanders), a nonprofit organization, a small or big business, a government, a school district, a housing authority, a Native American tribal group, a religious group, or any other group.
You can’t build this for us if you’re foreign.
In order to build this for us, you must be registered with Dun & Bradstreet, NATO, Grants.gov, and a few other agencies. The person in charge must be registered as well.
We want qualified people to be in charge of this, especially minorities.
ENTRY FORMS
(This is a big section on which forms you need to fill out)
HOW TO WIN
Here’s how we’ll pick a winner. If your totally average cigarette does everything we want it to do, you get 10 points. If the person in charge is a qualified to do science and leadership, you get 25 points. If you’ve measured everything right and presented it smartly, you get 30 points. If your lab is clean and well-organized, you get 25 points. If you don’t take more than five years, you get 10 points.
We will also consider some other factors, but we won’t tell you how many points you get for them. Did you use human test subjects? If so, what safety measures did you use? Did you include women, minorities, and children in your project? Did you include animal testing? If so, what protections do you have for the animals?
We’ll also make sure your budget makes sense to us.
After we review your entry, we’ll send you back a report card.
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Between IdeaMan and NorthofAtlanta, best laugh I've had all day! Thank you, guys! 
