Most importantly, I wanted to wait until my head was clear before I posted this. Four beers and a quiet house (a rarity in my life it seems) have emptied any stirring demons that may distract me from my intended purpose. The reason for beginning this thread is clear. From time to time, I would imagine that most of us have thoughts, musings and aspirations of returning to analogs. It's not unlikely that one or two of you have that "emergency pack" waiting somewhere. I did. It was there for two months. I left it there. Like a shadow of my past and former self, waiting for that triumphant return.
During this time, I knew they were there. I'd walk past them when I came home from school, the store, or some other place that I had been that I had to leave because I was craving my good old friend. I left them there, because I knew that leaving them there provided security and comfort. I felt safe in knowing that, at any moment, I could find them and relieve myself of any pressure that may have been forcing itself upon me. Sometimes access is more of a crutch than action.
Really, this is the reason they remained. As long as I had them, I didn't have to admit they were gone. That this part of my life was over. That change, which is the most difficult of all of life's challenges, had come face to face with my present situation. I could keep them. I could covet them. But, Jesus Christ: What would happen if I smoked them?
Would I go back? Would I run to the store once they were gone, and start this whole process over again? Could I really accept myself as a smoker again? The smell. The stench. The saturation of chemicals and sweat and shame. At some point, these questions would need to be answered.
My time came Monday night. It was Memorial Day weekend, and an anniversary of sorts. Some years ago, I had quit smoking, and it was this very weekend that I had given up and returned to a life of cigarettes. It was a weekend that haunted me for years, and now, I was tempting fate by choosing this time to roll those dice again. The cigarettes that had been staring me in the face for two months were about to be destroyed in a manner to which I had grown unaccustomed. Throwing caution to the wind, I decided it was time.
To be frank, the first puff tasted like s***. Over time, I had grown fond of flavor, taste, and variety. This ---- was not variety. This was garbage. This was poison wrapped in rat crap. This was 17 years of thinking that I liked the taste of cat urine and dog feces.
"What was it about this that was so appealing?" I wondered.
I coughed. I hadn't coughed in over a month. I spit. I hadn't spit in over a month. I felt dizzy and sick. I felt the way I felt two months ago. It took ten seconds for me to remember what it was about this that plagued me for years. The sickness. The never-ending feeling of hopelessness and guilt. The thought that this is what was going to kill me. If it wasn't a heart attack, then maybe cancer. Sure. That would do it. Cancer. What a way to go. A shell of human flesh, being rotted from the inside out. I hadn't thought about cancer in over a month.
It was amazing that just a few drags of an analog would bring all this back. Honestly, these were feelings I hadn't thought about for awhile. And it took this return to analogs to remind me of all of this. To be sure, I finished the rest of that pack. Between my wife and I, we smoked about 5 cigarettes each. In the end, we both decided that we felt sick, and that we both like vaping far better than smoking. I'm glad I did it, and have no regrets about the journey that led me to where I am today.
Is this slightly melodramatic----absolutely. However, like I told my representative from NY when I wrote to him about the benefits of e-cigarettes, and begged him to stifle legislation that would ban them: Unless you have been a smoker, you could never understand.
I will continue to encourage others to pursue this lifestyle. I will consistently promote V4L products, because this is what worked for me, and the quality and consistency of those products is what drove me along. I will encourage people to visit this forum, because I found all of you very welcoming and supportive and surprisingly tolerate of my sometimes abrasive and obnoxious attitude. In short, thank you to V4L and the family.
If you are anything like me, and have a curious and sometimes critical nature, you may be considering a return to analogs. My guess is, this is completely normal. I encourage you to consider it thoroughly---though, with caution. Everyone is different, and some people have a harder time letting go than others. My brief, mediocre return to analogs was insightful and inspiring. It reminded me of why I quit, and why I chose to abandon my previous lifestyle. Hopefully, your results will be the same. If anything, you should remember that the V4L family is here for you in a non-judgmental and supportive manner, and this is critical in any battle with addiction.
Sent from my brain to my fingers using my imagination.
Using my PT, with Wowboy Peppermint, Wowbacco mixed with Nuport, Chocolate VG, Blueberry, and 555 VG.
During this time, I knew they were there. I'd walk past them when I came home from school, the store, or some other place that I had been that I had to leave because I was craving my good old friend. I left them there, because I knew that leaving them there provided security and comfort. I felt safe in knowing that, at any moment, I could find them and relieve myself of any pressure that may have been forcing itself upon me. Sometimes access is more of a crutch than action.
Really, this is the reason they remained. As long as I had them, I didn't have to admit they were gone. That this part of my life was over. That change, which is the most difficult of all of life's challenges, had come face to face with my present situation. I could keep them. I could covet them. But, Jesus Christ: What would happen if I smoked them?
Would I go back? Would I run to the store once they were gone, and start this whole process over again? Could I really accept myself as a smoker again? The smell. The stench. The saturation of chemicals and sweat and shame. At some point, these questions would need to be answered.
My time came Monday night. It was Memorial Day weekend, and an anniversary of sorts. Some years ago, I had quit smoking, and it was this very weekend that I had given up and returned to a life of cigarettes. It was a weekend that haunted me for years, and now, I was tempting fate by choosing this time to roll those dice again. The cigarettes that had been staring me in the face for two months were about to be destroyed in a manner to which I had grown unaccustomed. Throwing caution to the wind, I decided it was time.
To be frank, the first puff tasted like s***. Over time, I had grown fond of flavor, taste, and variety. This ---- was not variety. This was garbage. This was poison wrapped in rat crap. This was 17 years of thinking that I liked the taste of cat urine and dog feces.
"What was it about this that was so appealing?" I wondered.
I coughed. I hadn't coughed in over a month. I spit. I hadn't spit in over a month. I felt dizzy and sick. I felt the way I felt two months ago. It took ten seconds for me to remember what it was about this that plagued me for years. The sickness. The never-ending feeling of hopelessness and guilt. The thought that this is what was going to kill me. If it wasn't a heart attack, then maybe cancer. Sure. That would do it. Cancer. What a way to go. A shell of human flesh, being rotted from the inside out. I hadn't thought about cancer in over a month.
It was amazing that just a few drags of an analog would bring all this back. Honestly, these were feelings I hadn't thought about for awhile. And it took this return to analogs to remind me of all of this. To be sure, I finished the rest of that pack. Between my wife and I, we smoked about 5 cigarettes each. In the end, we both decided that we felt sick, and that we both like vaping far better than smoking. I'm glad I did it, and have no regrets about the journey that led me to where I am today.
Is this slightly melodramatic----absolutely. However, like I told my representative from NY when I wrote to him about the benefits of e-cigarettes, and begged him to stifle legislation that would ban them: Unless you have been a smoker, you could never understand.
I will continue to encourage others to pursue this lifestyle. I will consistently promote V4L products, because this is what worked for me, and the quality and consistency of those products is what drove me along. I will encourage people to visit this forum, because I found all of you very welcoming and supportive and surprisingly tolerate of my sometimes abrasive and obnoxious attitude. In short, thank you to V4L and the family.
If you are anything like me, and have a curious and sometimes critical nature, you may be considering a return to analogs. My guess is, this is completely normal. I encourage you to consider it thoroughly---though, with caution. Everyone is different, and some people have a harder time letting go than others. My brief, mediocre return to analogs was insightful and inspiring. It reminded me of why I quit, and why I chose to abandon my previous lifestyle. Hopefully, your results will be the same. If anything, you should remember that the V4L family is here for you in a non-judgmental and supportive manner, and this is critical in any battle with addiction.
Sent from my brain to my fingers using my imagination.
Using my PT, with Wowboy Peppermint, Wowbacco mixed with Nuport, Chocolate VG, Blueberry, and 555 VG.
Facing the demon (or angel) is the only way to truly know if you have conquered it.
