Wow my day was really something. I was settled down on the couch feeling something as though I had a plan and then my sis emailed. Man she is like, I think (I do not blame her) sort of like, "This is the type of person who SHOULD pay 200 bucks for my services." She said it read like, "A poorly understandable emotional rant, which is understandable, but" and ripped it to shreds and told me to fix it and she would look at it "again" should I want to.
I love my sis it wasn't even that insulting. I sort of well, this is not the type of stuff I am good at.
I was feeling all fine although the only thing of substance I accomplished was cleaning my bathroom, it is spring I will have to PERMIMETER my surroundings the husband went into such a PTSD meltdown I finally said, "ARGH! So much I could have accomplished in these three hours! I'm getting out of the house it's the only way to SHUT YOU UP." (Seriously I had been patient but when someone is bellowing at you to divorce them, well, GOD KNOWS.) I mean.... I sort of said, "If you want to divorce me I believe you have the means to do so and I INVITE you to do it, because like, right now it is sort of talking to a very loud, rude potted PLANT. You are not my KITTEN, and I am NOT paying the gas money to take you back to the pound because you have decided you are unhappy here. That makes NO sense. Why you are screaming at me to divorce you instead of contacting lawyers is really annoying to me at the moment."
He got all pissy because he said he was being told by contractors they might want him to do drawings and he was considering trying it. And I was like, "Oh thank GOD dude, my therapist told me not to go back to work without you doing so, in however small a fashion, now look where we are."
He had a meltdown. I was like a) look, you are telling me to be reorganized and plan for the future and if you want me to figure out a way to motivate me to file my ADHD away so I can start my own practice, since I structure well for OTHER people not myself, you would be insane to think that's any harder for *me* than you attempting a contract job and b) like, *I* am not ashamed of you, *I* am not mad at you but I know how I feel when I'm not working at least some, and frankly you are a guy and I have been the breadwinner for over a DECADE, if I were you I would probably feel not even just UNMOORED but deeply ASHAMED. I am quite sure most of the people who know you wonder the same thing, because to be honest some of your PTSD symptoms are factual but it is time you learned not to browbeat others with them."
Then he announced he was going to say something deeply hurtful and terrible to me and I was like, "YEP, go for it dude." I think he might have been about to admit a cheating episode his demeanor was so dramatic. I was like "Okay have at it I don't CARE." So then he said a bunch of stuff that was pretty much senseless, like it literally made no sense. I was like "Okay. I'm not deeply reevaluating much because I have NO CLUE what you are saying right now."
Ehh. So I was okay but now it's bedtime and I have lots of free-floating anxiety and stuff. I think it's pretty normal.
And nope this post is not about stimulus checks or how I have it so much better than so many people who hang so TOUGH.
I have deep respect for those people but like this is what is in "MY" head. I would be thrilled for those who judge me even slightly for my rantings to spend ten minutes inside my head and see how they handled it, but I would then BE more fatal than the coronavirus probably because the lot of them couldn't last TEN SECONDS" let alone 10 minutes. I'm not relaxed, relieved, or anything even though my day is almost over my anxiety is only MOUNTING and I'd kill for some laudanum even two like equally similar vials one with arsenic, the other with laudanum and well whichever one I took, I took. I just yawned though, that is a good sign. I'm pretty exhausted and plans have been made.
I will be Looking toward my Own House however, more, tomorrow.
Anna
