So I was saying fell of the wagon yesterday. But it is kind of a good thing.
I learned something about my triggers. Or at least, something became a little more clearer.
I said that stress has been a big trigger, but that isn't entirely true. I think a bigger thing for me is exhaustion.
Had a really busy day Wednesday. I worked outside all day. By the end of the day, my brains were like mush, I was so tired. But I was very, very motivated working Wednesday. And that motivation also bled into other things. For the first time in a long time, I took my PV outside with me while I work, shuffling off the "I will just smoke when I work to protect my gear when I am outside" excuse.
Then Thursday, I had a really bad day. And I started to put things together.
Wednesday night, being tired, there was a three-pronged attack. 1) too tired to combat stressors. 2) tired mind making small stressor look worse than they are (that is to say, not only was I not dealing with stress properly, but it didn't stay status quo - my tired mind amplified everything) and 3) i am tired, and smoking is easier right now.
I don't think stress alone is doing it. Nothing has changed in the circumstances in this season of my life right now. In fact, in certain ways, things are looking better. But when I am tired, I don't cope as well. Things blow out of proportion. And I just don't feel like fighting the urge to smoke, deal with gear, refilling etc.
I think I am focusing my vaping efforts when I am feeling good. The idea being that when I feel motivated to vape, I should jump on that and build some momentum. And maybe that is what I should do. But I also am thinking, when I feel good, I prefer to vape. I don't really need to "try" during that time. Save my "resistance energy" for the times I DONT feel like vaping. prepare myself to fight, not on fresh days, but on tired days.
I dunno, just a thought. Point is, I see my patterns a little better.
I think you have a handle on it. In AA I learned this little acronym for helping to avoid certain triggers, and it may apply to the smoking addiction too, as it seems to apply to all my other addictions:
H A L T - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired -- hungry and tired, well there went my Happy Hour excuse.
Angry -- I had to learn to consciously change "I'm so mad at you, I'm gonna get drunk!" into "you're so infuriating, you're NOT WORTH KILLING MYSELF OVER!" Lonely... well that's a big bad, no matter what one is addicted to. I've always been a loner by nature, but sometimes lonely can overtake loner. In recent years, when I've felt lonely (or self-pity, or other really negative emotions I'm having a hard time handling), I often just go take a nap; sure it's escapism just like drinking/drugs were, but at least it won't kill me, and won't wreck my sobriety. Eventually I wake up, and sometimes feel better after a nice rest.
One trick I used to great advantage, there at the end when I was trying to wean off cigarettes and back onto 100% vaping, was procrastination. When I'd feel the urge to smoke, I'd just think, well I'll do this instead right now (vaping) and later I can have a cigarette if I really want to. Often the urge passed, and there was another one I didn't smoke.
You're right though, that it's so much easier to smoke, to give in, than to vape. I had a real hard time with that one, this last go-round, trying to get off the cigarettes *again*. But I finally just had to keep asking myself, and reminding myself, "just what do I really want? Do I want to be a non-smoker, or not? Or do I want to go back to being helplessly addicted, just wishing I could get off the stupid cigarettes?" I got enough of a taste of being a non-smoker during that 115 days before I succumbed to those god-awful cravings after my illness, that I knew, I really do want to be a non-smoker; my self-esteem has probably never been higher in my life, having beaten this awful addiction, so much stronger than any other addiction I've fought. But I know now, it's a lot like my alcohol addiction -- once an addict, always an addict, and I can't afford to relax my guard even for a minute. There's a cigarette out there just waiting for me to smoke it, and there's a beer with my name on it too, just waiting for me to drink it. If I want death, and lingering horrible illness before that death, I can go find that smoke and that beer. But if I want to live, and enjoy living, I can keep living without them. Somehow, some way... one day at a time.
Andria
