Ok ladies and gents, riddle me this:
I effing LOVE smoking. The way it helps me deal with anger and stress, the way it never failed to be there for me when I needed it, the way it allows me to be a little bit of a rebel.
I effing HATE smoking. It's so expensive and stinks really bad, I stayed sick with bronchitis (more $$$$ for doctor bills and medicine) 4 to 6 times a year. It's inconvenient to go outside in the rain/snow/blazing heat, and it's one of the few PC things left to discriminate against.
I effing NEED to smoke, my body and brain are addicted to them. There is no reasoning with an addiction, 17 years sober now and it was SO much easier to put down the bottle.
I effing HAD to quit smoking, because I couldn't quit paying the electric bill or buying groceries, and I could not handle a second job just to pay for smoking.
So when your quit doesn't come from a true DESIRE to quit, and it's so damn hard and stressful and irritating to quit, and vaping confounds you and trips you up and you can't make anything work for you or satisfy the desire to smoke, or your equipment fails and a pack is cheaper than a new device, or your family buys you a pack so you'll chill out and .... already!!
Then how are you supposed to hang onto your quit? How are you supposed to convince yourself that "this too shall pass" or "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or "embrace the suck!"
My mental health declined very rapidly, from my last cigarette it was exactly four months and I was bedridden practically comatose and deeply depressed. I still have this suspicious feeling that quitting caused me to go crazy, and so I started smoking again and was SCARED to stop because I would lose the last shred of sanity I still had.
Rational loses to neurotic every time. Sorry to be such a downer, but let's be real here. When I was struggling the very LAST thing I wanted to hear was "you really have to want it" or that something was really wrong with me because I couldn't do it.
This thread convinced me that I wasn't alone in my struggles and that other people understood and we could console each other. This thread convinced me that my crutch was really useless and gave me hope that quitting was doable even while painful and frustrating.
I can completely relate -- which is why I smoked for 39 years! The last 15, if anyone ever had the nerve to ask me if I was ever going to quit, the answer was simply "No." Next subject -- my smoking was non-negotiable, not up for discussion at all. I don't really know how I've managed it, to be honest, other than, it was simply time to deal with it, and e-cigs came along at just the right time for me.
I've had so many health problems this year; first the stupid dehydration, electrolyte mayhem, cankles that looked look my grandmother's when she was 85, and no freaking clue what to do about it. As if that wasn't enough, my freaking appendix decided it was time to come out, and godalmighty, that was the worst pain I ever felt in my life, including labor, caesarian recovery, and many abscessed teeth -- but the pain wasn't HALF as bad as the godawful SICK! afterward for 4 days -- when that was over, it was all I could do just to get out of bed and go to the bathroom, nevermind about making it out to the kitchen -- I had no idea at the time, but my husband fed himself and did the dishes for a week, and it was the 5th day before I even knew it. But the important part was, when I --an asthmatic -- had to have gen'l anesthesia for 45 minutes, I had been smoke-free for 3 1/2 months. That was purely a miracle, a gift from God, so I wasn't about to turn my back on it, even with that month back to smoking while I recuperated and got my taste for vapor back.
Have you ever tried WTA? Because it could very likely be physiological, the decline in mental health you described; I'm FAR more addicted to those trace alkaloids and MAOIs than I am to nicotine, and I have seen the proof of that since starting the WTA -- no cravings, but more importantly, no mood swings, no depression, no feeling of alienation, no anger for zero apparent cause -- basically I've just stayed myself, yet carried on vaping and not smoking -- which totally wigs me out everytime I realize it, but I have zero desire for a cigarette. Even when I'm ...... off at those stupid doctors that won't be reasonable with me, no desire to smoke; I just vape, sometimes I vape A LOT, and it's fine. It's got to be the WTA, because although I didn't *generally* have cravings the first go-round, when I got really frustrated with something -- I think it was dry-burning coils -- I *did* have cravings.
When you get to the point where you won't permit yourself to smoke, when it's simply no longer an option you're willing to consider, that'll be that. The hardest part is, everyone has to find that place, that time, for themselves. I had to do it with booze 22 yrs ago, and I had to do it this year, with smoking. If it's something you really want to find, keep looking, and eventually you will find it. What so many wise people around here said to me when I was smoking again and beating myself up about it, was that you're only a failure if you stop trying.
Andria
