With great joy I welcome Lord and Lady Pancake, of the House of Pancake, into the ProVarinati!
For you novitiates unfamiliar with the history of the ProVarinati, here is but one tale.
Long ago, The Most Beautiful Universal Empress of Knock Offs narrowly escaped a horde of fanbois claiming to be ProVarians. So great was her bravery that she fought through flames to save her beloved dog, Butch, who was about to be burned at the stake.
As she ran toward the safety of Le Lounge, she looked back to see that the hordes of VV and the unwashed masses of VW had not followed her, but had resumed their war against each other. Watching the endless carnage, she uttered the immortal words, “I gotta stay away from…”
She traveled far into the Land of Le Lounge, where she set up a small encampment and composed a Royal Rant to document the attack for all posterity. But alas, she was still unsafe. Due to Unforeseen circumstances, she was dragged back into the open, where the battle resumed; however, this time it was different. Her Royal Rant had been discovered by the followers of different paths and disseminated amongst their regions. There were others who shared her views. Others who believed apprentices should be offered the chance to learn thrust and parry before being handed a broadsword and sent into battle. Many were surprised that her supporters came from different factions; from realms thought to be intrinsically at war with each other.
Just as she and her new comrades were able to fight off their attackers and gain some ground, the Unforeseen swooped in again and delivered them back to the Land of Le Lounge.
It was there The Kingdom of the CatChi Ranters was founded and a vow of Potenco estas Potenco (Power Equals Power) was sworn. Almost every part of the known lands was represented, although my memory fails me as to who was there from the beginning, as many have come and gone on their own journeys to enlightenment. Though yet, I knowest for certain, some of the original sworn were:
The Most Beautiful Universal Empress of Knock Offs
The Earl of Eviction
Lady Lynnit of Skye
Mistress Hotté
Lady Robin, the Voice of Reason
Sultana of Squonk
Duchess of DIY
Sir Steve, Sage to the many Tribes of Sigeleiland
Chris, Fidalgo of Fabrication, Viscount of Vapeonly, Duke of Downunder.
Sir Ferrel the Untamed
Sir Atty Pops, the Wise
Sir Chimps
Lady Dolphina Stephuhnator, rightful heiress to the Land of Vamora.
And myself
There are other important members of the kingdom, such as Sir Medi and Mistress Shadav, who I apologize to for not including, but I believe they came later. Feel free to correct me.
The Kingdom of the CatChi Ranters
This is where the story diverges. I was but simple ProVarian Princess; powerless to convince the fanbois that the cry of “Just Get a ProVari,” is not the answer to every question, especially when it is unsolicited and completely irrelevant. It was the Earl of Eviction, who, although not yet a ProVarian, brought with him the rough idea of a plan to reclaim the true power of the Sacred ProVari from the fanbois whose idiocy fanned the flames of AntiProvarinism that put us all on the defensive. He proposed the ProVarinati and it was in the Kingdom of CCR our sect was nurtured and grew strength. You now know the Earl as Praetor Lion.
The other story arc concerns Lady Dolphina Stephuhnator. Although the rightful heiress to the Kingdom of Vamora, she had been forced to flee her land, by the VW zealots who waged war against the VV fanbois, as neither side was willing to accept that both paths lead to the same place and each has it’s own value. She sought for all vapers to be at peace, but alas her words of wisdom were drown out by the cannon shots of price vs. oscilloscope.
Into the Kingdom of CCR came a wandering minstrel, Whosback, disguised as a Monty Python Bunny Slipper. Unbeknownst to us, he too was a descendant of the true Vamora and wore his costume so to slip through the False Vamorians (the real ones are Vamorans).
In secret, he wooed Lady Dolphina Stephuhnator and after a time they revealed he was, in fact, the long lost Lord Pancake! And so they became Lord and Lady Pancake, of the House of Pancake, the rightful rulers of the Kingdom of Vamora, protectors of the Zmax and 12th Tribes of Sigeleiland and the Isle of iTaste (amongst other titles I don’t remember).
Now that you know this bit of our history, you may well understand our excitement that they have officially joined the ProVarinati. They have always been one of us in spirit and support, but now the most Blessed One is in their hands.
I am honored you are now truly one of us. I bow to you.
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