Today's Laugh

[Electricnut]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[Thyestean]

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
-Jack Handey

 

[nicotime]

Hollywood squares is the best! and that was just Hilarious!!
I think whoopi still does it? lol

Nico, I'm so envious of you for getting out!!

Ha...I love it there (between Muncy/Millville) but at 15 I knew a future good job was bleak..so I moved down here with friends. I found it doesnt much matter where you go there is always something.

Hell...I should have stayed...mom gets 4 channels now!!

What area are you from?

 

[Iken]

Lmao Nut and Thye!!


Ah Nico I see now! Yes that part of the sate is sure beuatiful, but the market is scarce over there. It's a shame but a blessing altogether. If the market was booming then the place wouldn't be so pretty. it's a shame how things work sometimes. I'm on the Eastern region, where the market isn't bad but the surroundings are horrible! LOL 4 channels Woo! No more sesame street! Just smooth sailing of Mr Belvadere from here on out!

 

[HzG8rGrl]

Here's a fun site to sift through
Texts From Last Night

 

[aspen]

Thanks for the link, I defintely got a laugh out of that. People say the darndest things at times.

 

[HzG8rGrl]

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

 

[Electricnut]

Good one Tina.

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself "Virginity Test Kit".... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

 

[5cardstud]

Electricnut that hollywood sqares thing was Hillarious

 

[Electricnut]

I got quite a laugh out of that too.

 

[aspen]

This has been around for sometime but it's still funny.
YTMND - The Original How To Prank a Telemarketer

 

[Iken]

Here's a fun site to sift through
Texts From Last Night

Lol I was flipping through these last night just calling them out! It's so funny because you can only imagine what these people are doing in these messages!
"She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more"

"Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death."

LOL I'm so bookmarking this!

This has been around for sometime but it's still funny.
YTMND - The Original How To Prank a Telemarketer

oh my god! We were just dying over here!!! We NEED to do this!!!!

 

[Electricnut]

The Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

[Thyestean]

Buddy Christ!! LOL Love it!


The Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

The Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

I knew I'd read that somewhere before

 

[Electricnut]

OK, here's something new, from Jeff Foxworthy.

You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.

You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company

Your state's got a new law that says
when a couple get divorced,
they are still legally brother and sister.

Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.

You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.

 

[Thyestean]

you think genitalia is an italian airline.

lol



___________

 

[Iken]

Lol I just laughed at the same one Thy
I was just watching Sinbad's Where you been? Comeback last night, and was just rolling all night! too early to find quotes just yet but it was just to dang funny!

 

[HzG8rGrl]

POWER OUTAGE

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'..

 

[Thyestean]

LOL at that one Tina

 

[5cardstud]

So henry ford is trying to get into heaven and st. peter says you can't come in. So henry ford asks why. St peter says cause you made that car and all those people got killed in automobile accidents so the lord said you cant come in. So henry ford says now hold it he messed up too. Oh ya says st. peter how? henry ford answers when he made the women he messed up. He got the intake to close to the exhaust.