Valley View Vapes - Weekly Contest and Chit Chat thread - Win a Free Tank!

[CcaT]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor
goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

"Congratulations!
Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the
newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"We were down to the last two days. My wife was bending over to get something out of the freezer and after one look I was overcome with need and I just had her right then and there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,
either."

 

[RayN]

Thanks Ray, I will keep an eye out for those end caps. I hope my tanks get here tomorrow. Have a great day and hows the weather in Texas? Its pretty hot here.

Its fricken like 95 here in orange!!!!!

Hot! It's 91 here... at almost 8pm

 

[lettucehead]

What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?

Iceberg.

(Wow, I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel (or ship as it were...))

 

[anavidfan]

we must be neighbors, the thermometer in the shade was 98 in the shade

 

[lettucehead]

Not really a joke, but I love this!

 

[Karn]

A blonde and a brunette both jumped off a cliff at the same time. Which made it to the ground first?

The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

 

[shamash]

I don't have any jokes, and I'm really happy with the Polypro tank I have from you already! Just stopped in to say hello

 

[lettucehead]

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

 

[Karn]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[lettucehead]

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?


The one on the range.

 

[RayN]

I don't have any jokes, and I'm really happy with the Polypro tank I have from you already! Just stopped in to say hello

Glad you're enjoying it! I like the new pic too.

 

[Karn]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[CcaT]

Not really a joke, but I love this!

When we first rescued our cat we kept it in the bathroom for the first few days and she'd do this anytime anyone went in to use it.

 

[lettucehead]

Why can a room full of married people look so empty?

There's not a Single person in it...

 

[windy33]

Pretty funny stuff on here! Makes me laugh a little inside

 

[Karn]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

 

[lettucehead]

Did you hear about the kid napping?

He woke up!

 

[Karn]

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

 

[spacekitty]

A bass player and a guitarist were seated next to a drummer on an overseas flight.

After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the bass player bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the guitarist responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the drummer remained silent, the guitarist smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the bass player arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

 

[Karn]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."