Valley View Vapes - Weekly Contest and Chit Chat thread - Win a Free Tank!

[spacekitty]

An unemployed woman, desperate for work, went into a toy factory. The personnel manager told that all he had was a very low skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line. The woman happily accepted, he took her down to her new post, explained the job, and told her to report for work the next day at 8am.

The next day at 9am the production manager came charging into the personnel manager's office and said that production had groud to a halt and demanded that the personnel manager accompany him to the line to have a look.

The two men arrived at the Tickle Me Elmo line and, sure enough, work had piled up at the new woman's station. She had a big roll of the fabric that Elmo was made out of and a bag of marbles. They watched as she cut a little piece of fabric and wrapped it around two marbles, and sewed them in between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager burst out laughing. When he regained his composure he walked up to the woman and said:

"I'm sorry, I should have been more clear when I explained your job to you yesterday. What I wanted you to do was to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."

 

[Karn]

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

 

[spacekitty]

Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 10,201 - One to screw in the bulb, 200 to record the event, and ten thousand to follow the old bulb around the country long after it's burnt out.

 

[Karn]

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

 

[lettucehead]

Patient - Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar

Doctor - I can't believe that!

 

[Karn]

You know you're a redneck jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

 

[spacekitty]

This is a story that Ian Anderson, the leader of the British rock group Jethro Tull told during a
concert. The concert was in Detroit, although that is not important to know in order to follow
along.

One day, the drummer of Jethro Tull, who was named Barry Barlow, showed up for a
rehearsal wearing a pair of kilts that he had purchased during the band's recent tour of
Scotland. Ian Anderson, who as I said before is the leader of the group, was curious as to what
a person wears under a kilt. So, he said to Barry, "Hey Barry, what have you got under your
kilt?"

So, Barry said to Ian Anderson, "Well, why don't you stoop down, stick your head under and
take a look". And Ian Anderson did so and, as he later reported, with a big toothy grin, to the
crowd at the concert, "I have to tell you that what I saw was gruesome. And, as I looked at it,
it grew some more!"

 

[Karn]

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

 

[lettucehead]

Patient - Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Doctor - Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

 

[Karn]

A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"

 

[lettucehead]

At the airline check in at the airport, a man has three bags.
He puts them down and says to the young lady, 'I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban.'
Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, 'I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.'

'Why not?' demands the man, 'you did the last time I flew with you.'

 

[spacekitty]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano and sets it on the counter. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Before long, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

 

[lettucehead]

I recently asked a friend, 'Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?'

'Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector', my friend replied.

I had to think about that one for a moment. 'That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career,' I finally managed to reply.

'Well,' said the boy's father, 'he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays'.

 

[RayN]

I love this contest. Any time I need a chuckle I just check the latest posts!!

 

[spacekitty]

Four guys are walking down the street and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's
Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They all look at each other with a puzzled look
and decide to go inside to check it out. An old bartender says in a voice
that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men
each ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced
martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each,
please." The four men look in shock at the bartender, not believing their luck in
finding this place, and pay him the 40 cents. They soon finish their
martinis and order another round. Again, they receive four excellent
martinis and the bartender says, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay
the 40 cents, but now their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've
each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime apiece?"

The bartender says, "I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to
open this place just for the fun of it. Every drink costs a dime. Wine,
liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow, that's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them continued to sip their martinis and couldn't help but
notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in
front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks
the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, they're all musicians. They're waiting for happy
hour."

 

[lettucehead]

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

[Karn]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[RippleInStillWater]

Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 10,201 - One to screw in the bulb, 200 to record the event, and ten thousand to follow the old bulb around the country long after it's burnt out.

Oh, I don't like that one, not one bit..........

 

[Karn]

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.

The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.

When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."

 

[spacekitty]

Here's an oldie:

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"


Arnold, in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."