I make a nice Bavarian Cream chocolate cake but it's based around a one shot mostly, with additional items. I do find one shots helpful for some stuff. Also a Rhubarb French Toast with whipped cream and maple syrup is another bakery item I am fond of. I know it sounds foul, but it isn't.
Buenos dias mixers! This might be a long post. But not so long that... Well, this woman got notes to write.
My kidneys continue to hurt less. Thank God. I drove to Tucson listening to all my favorite music. It was restful, cause there were barely any cars on the road. Well until I got to Tucson which, despite the rumors I have been told seems like, business as normal kinda. I did see an increase in the homeless (even in my doc's neighborhood which is like, upscale.)
I am so glad I left that godforsaken city. Every time I go, I am so happy to leave, dude.
I had a total meltdown at my doc. I wasn't expecting it. I don't think he was either. He was like, "S'up?" in psych terms and I began bawling my eyes out, explaining my work (I don't think he gets it really, their ONE concession to COVID19 was "don't touch the pad you normal sign on " I told to dopey receptionist I hoped they were assaulting the place with bleach 3 times a day. They're not. If I didn't catch the virus yet, I probably did yesterday. Anyway, I discussed my increasing amounts of stress and how changes happen every day and that is hell for a bipolar ADHD perfectionist who can't be furloughed and I was terrified of my bipolar and what would happen.
I was like, "I haven't felt like this since lithium but I just want to die. Every freaking day, I just want to like, die. It's not even I am suicidal, I just have so much to do, I would welcome nothingness. So like, yeah. There was more, the house, and how *I* got the husband was sad about his work, but how *I* bought that house, with funds from my IRA or whatever I forget the acronyms and how *I* earned the 30K we put into it, that could have been my savings and now we have nothing. Etc. I was pretty damn pathetic.
So yeah he did not touch my "I want to die" (I kind of mean them, but not exactly, it's more a coping skill I think) statements in a 10 foot pole. I was glad, because there is nothing I can do. He asked about weekends and I was like, "psychiatrist, so Saturdays are mostly spent finishing my notes. Sundays are to get ready for the week ahead,. Lemme put it this way, I just got my 5 year anniversary the day before St. Patrick's, and even if I could have, I did not even TRY to go get a chip, I was too damn tired." He kind of looked sorry he asked. I was like, "Dude, listen, I just CAN'T get furloughed is the thing. I mean, my kid is losing work hours and I have to help him with his car payment because you've seen me. I know you think my kid is the sane one in the family (sorta, but my pdoc saw him all as a kid and adolescent and they ADORED each other from day one. I sometimes think my pdoc took me on because I had dual "intro" appointments scheduled and my pdoc was the one, but I think he might have been, I want to continue seeing this kid, so I will see her crazy mom.") but you KNOW I am a good mom, you KNOW I have to do it. So much snot happened.
Anyway, I wanted to just talk about Provigil which my doc totally docread (skimmed my email.) But NO. First, he wanted to go through my med list and he is FREAKING on the controlled substances I swear to GOD. "Ambien. Do you take it every night?"
"Every night of my human life and I SWEAR pdoc, if you take it away from me now, I will wind up in a psych hospital....Then sue you."
Anyway when we got to the Diazepam which like, I AM slowly reducing but those long half life drugs are a major pain I was like "Down to 4.5 from 5." He was like, hopefully, "When will you be down to 4? Soon?" (I explained I was pretty sure I didn't need it to sleep, really once I got through the WD and my hope was 3 a day to control my tremor."
I looked at him darkly and said, "I am going as fast as I CAN and I make you no promises." Then I started bawling my eyes out and told him I did not think he was HELPING me in ANY way, just ADDING stress and pressure to my life." It was a heartfelt statement and he knew it was true. He looked kinda sad and was like "I know. I just have to."
I was like, "I know things have changed dude but everyone's fixated on COVID 19 so really, just give me a little time, well, you are gonna have to I just filled 3 month supplies of ALL the things. Sigh. I get his urgency but god, I was bawling the WHOLE appointment. Dude.
So yeah then I explained verbally what I had taken the time to WRITE out. He said he found "one moderate interaction report" and I was like, "Did you check the packaging inserts? Because if it was SO not a big deal, that INTERACTION would have been listed in EVERY stimulant prescriber's packaging insert, dude .He said he would but it's moot anyway because I explained to him that I vastly preferred Provigil and again (in the email I wrote) explained the deal with having to stop because the price gouging was so bad no insurance covered it. And the lawsuit ,and things going back to normal etc., and whatnot. I explained I had been stable on it for over a decade and it was schedule IV and could we get off the Adderall train as I was NEVER gonna catch up with the prior auths and like, could he PLEASE? Seriously, my last alert message from the pharmacy was PER THE STATE OF AZ, THIS COUNTY, AND THIS PHARMAY no more Adderall will be dispensed until like (next month sometime) I am out of the paltry 10 10 mg tablets he prescribed me so I was going to have to go down for a while regardless and I was like "NOOOOO
oooo."
So he is prescribing me the highest dose and getting a prior auth. In a move of genius (we were both frantically googling because I told him I wanted the manufacturer's generic but it's been sold so many times, it was literally impossible to tell, like, who owned it now in the time allotted) he told me to ask my pharmacist including what generics I could get. I am gonna call CVS (I TOLD my Pdoc they could get anything they wanted and did, he always seems so doubtful when I tell him the Douglas CVS is better than ANY CVS in Tucson. ;I have had a meltdown at them exactly once, and like, they didn't hold it against me even because like, it was my insurance company. Or my SV work pharmacy, they know all the things. Etc.
Anyway he looked all relieved and stuff and is prescribing me the highest dose of Provigil and I might not even need that much but better safe than sorry, because if I can't focus, IDK what will happen.
I can't believe I saw every kid in that clinic but one! Things go smoothly over there, the setup is better somehow but ALSO they have way less docs so it's easier to catch everyone although my REAL jobsite, well one day those 7 docs had 18 patients. It has been bleak. We are now telemedicing everyone instead of triaging and advising to stay at home and YOU BET the docs have jumped on board, they do NOT want a furlough either. So I think things will clear up, and hopefully get better. Etc.
I'm exhausted but waking up fairly early, once I am AWAKE sorta it's notes. Then, IDK, maybe yoga would be nice. Thinking optimistically.
We are out of TP. I almost got more bar mops but I just don't want to deal with those. I got those round pads for cleaning your face, they work great and were cheaper than Kleenex which was all that was there. I did not buy Cold Food (I was at the Benson Walmart, shopping for dinner) on the way home as there was not enough stuff to justify a bag of ice to lay it upon etc.
So yep, onward and upward, yay! Hope you all are good. I mean, well, happy safe. I was just glad I could exit and reenter the county at this point.
Hoping I get a break from COVID19 but probably not my work has been relentless in their emails, podcasts, whatever you want to call it. Ugh.
Anna
Oh I also told my doc that I used to believe in medicine but I now thought it was disgusting awful snake oil that did not respect everyone's genetics were different, and treatments needed to be different and this COVID thing was waking me up to the CDC and the media and their "spin" and I didn't know his politics NOR did I CARE but as far as I was concerned, they could all (censored) die and I had no faith in doctors left. Then I was like, "Well that is not true I love my provider, and even when I hate you I love you and I know you are in a high risk group, so Imma gonna tell you the CDC recs for seeing face to face patients as you do NOT have it remotely down....."
He was like, "What about the millions of confirmed cases in CA?" I was like "I have not heard about this one pdoc but use what common sense you got. WE DO NOT HAVE MILLIONS OF TESTS even, so they can't be confirmed. Also, I know you are from there and SORRY but well ,I have been praying for CA to either secede or freaking fall into the ocean like they keep saying will happen. MY GOD. Ugh. Freaking media BS."
He did agree about the tests. I think my pdoc finds me heavy going but the way my brain thinks, fascinating sometimes. Because I make him admit TRUTH.
LOL sorry to go on.
Anna
