Tell us a joke

[Elphaba13]

Why not share your favourite joke. Even if it's a classic Dad joke, totally groan worthy.

All I ask is you keep it (fairly) clean, and nothing racial.

I'll start. This was my 16 year old daughters favourite joke when she was 5.

Knock knock
Who's there
Bare
Bare who
Bare Bum


Come on, surely you can do better than a 5 year old!

 

[Elphaba13]

Or I'll give you my Dad's current favourite.

What does Australia and McDonalds have in common?
They are both run by a redheaded clown.

 

[caffeinated]

A while back, I gathered a batch of drummer jokes together to email to a musician friend. You may have heard some of them before, but they're still good for a few good chuckles.

Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of 4.

Q: What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me neither.

Q: What do you call those people who hang around with musicians?
A: Drummers.

Q: How do you make a drummer's car go faster?
A: Take off the Domino's sign.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

Q: How do you get a drummer off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

 

[Elphaba13]

Caff: Love 'em!

 

[vaporgalinfla]

Sorry, but I don't know any good jokes.

 

[VegasVaporz]

You're so poor that when I walked in your house, a rat tripped me and a cockroach tried to steal my wallet.

VegasVaporz
Get your mouth of my driptip...
YouTube.com/VegasVaporz
Facebook.com/VegasVaporz

 

[caffeinated]

A blonde goes to the library and walks up to the librarian and says, "I'd like a Big Mac with a large fry and large Coke please."

The librarian is quite stunned and replies, "Ma'am, this is a library,"

The blonde blushes and replies in a whisper, "I'd like a Big Mac with a large fry and large Coke please."

 

[caffeinated]

Two guys from the IT department were chatting in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first guy, "Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

 

[caffeinated]

You know the thing about UDP jokes? I don't care if you get it or not.


Heh, geek humor.

 

[caffeinated]

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[Elphaba13]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says he feels like a cocktail and asks what they recommend.

The bartender says "actually, we've got a cocktail named after you!"

The grasshopper looks amazed and says "what? Eric???"

 

[PoliticallyIncorrect]

What do you call four blondes in four cars at a 4-way stop?

An eternity.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

A couple more musician jokes:

How do you know when a saxophone player is at your door?
They don’t know which key to use or where to enter.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
Vibrato.

What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

What did the saxophone player get on his IQ test?
Drool.

What do a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two altos playing in unison.

What's the difference between a sax player and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the forehead.

Contrary to popular belief, the saxophone is a percussion instrument, meant to be beaten by a hammer. A large hammer.

Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
They're trying to tell them how the song goes.

Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.

What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all over the singer's lines?
Deceased

What is perfect pitch on a harmonica?
When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

How do you know if the stage is level?
The drummer player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth!

How can you get a drummer's eyes to sparkle?
Shine a light in his ears.

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the best way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.

What's better: a banjo or a flute?
Banjo. Flutes don't burn!

What's the difference between a soundman and a toilet seat?
The toilet seat only has to deal with one ******* at a time.



And finally:

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

 

[PoliticallyIncorrect]

Two guys in a bar. One says to the other, "I'll give you a dollar if you pick up that spittoon over there and take a sip."

His eyes aglow with dollar signs, the other guy shuffles through the sawdust to reach the spittoon, upends it, sips daintily, then chug-a-lugs the entire contents.

Reaching for his wallet, perplexity creasing his brow, the first guy said, "you know, you only had to take one sip. Why did you put the whole thing away?"

"Well, once I got started, I couldn't stop, " he answered, tucking the dollar into his pocket. "The whole thing was like one long string."

 

[caffeinated]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Curious, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here." The helium doesn’t react.

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don’t serve your kind here." The superconductor leaves without any resistance.

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don’t serve your kind here." The neutrino says "I’m just passing through."

The bartender says, "We don’t serve tachyons in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.

Three statisticians are hiding in a bush while duck hunting. They see a duck.
The first statistician gets up, aims and fires. He misses the bird, 2 meters too high.
The second statistician then gets up, aims and fires… and misses the bird. 2 meters too low.
The third statistician gets up and exclaims: "We got him!”

If you were DNA, I would want to be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes.

An optimist looks at the glass and says it is half full.
A pessimist looks at the glass and says it is half empty.
An engineer looks at the glass and says that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be

Four engineers are driving in a car: Mechanical, Electrical, Chemical and Software.
A loud BANG occurs and the car comes to a halt.
Mechanical: Hmm, judging on that sound I would say we blew a piston.
Electrical: Actually, that sounds resembled and electrical short circuit to me.
Chemical: I think it sounded like the engine fuel isn’t mixing correctly.
All three look at the software engineer and ask what he thinks it was.
Software: Well, I guess we could all get out and get back in again and see if it works?

Theres no place like 127.0.0.1

If you have nothing to say, say it with PowerPoint!

 

[Filibuster]

The Aristocrats!

 

[bobsyeruncle]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. In fact, now that you’ve taken up my time, I’m going to be even later meeting my friend!"

The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Mother's Day. What My Mother Taught Me About Life:

My Mother taught me about 'anticipation' - Just wait until your father gets home.

My Mother taught me to 'meet a challenge' - What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!

My Mother taught me 'logic' - If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

My mother taught me about 'hypocrisy.' - If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

My mother taught me the 'circle of Life.' - I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My mother taught me about 'behavior modification.' - Stop acting like your father!

 

[caffeinated]

At an interdenominational gathering, a Southern Baptist minister and United Methodist minister are talking shop.

The United Methodist minister, new to his parish, laments "I don't know how to get the mice out of the church. Killing them just doesn't seem right."

The Southern Baptist minister thinks about it for awhile and says "Well, I've been a minister for going on 20 years now, and my advice to you based on that experience is to make them members of the church. That way you will only see them Easter and Christmas."