Judge: Have you ever been up before me?
Accused: I dunno. What time do you get up?
Accused: I dunno. What time do you get up?
The Funny Pages
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"So, your uncle had no children?"
"No, your honor."
"And your father--did he have any children?"
"No, your honor."
"And your father--did he have any children?"
"A bride wears white," said the speaker, "as a symbol of happiness, for her wedding day is the most joyful in her life."
"And why do men wear black?" someone asked.
"And why do men wear black?" someone asked.
The elderly spinster sniffed when anyone suggested that it was too bad she did not have a husband.
"I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?
"I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?
Oi, I bet that poor kitty is emotionally scarred for life: "What happened? I KNOW I got that thing! I KNOW I did! Where did they all GO? I KNOW I GOT 'EM, had my paw RIGHT ON THEM!!!"
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
What is the difference between a skunk & a lawyer both dead on the highway? There are skid marks in front of the skunk...............baaaadabomp
Almost fell off my chair on this one.
Us older folks will understand this perfectly.
Senior Moments by Golf Brooks - YouTube
Us older folks will understand this perfectly.
Senior Moments by Golf Brooks - YouTube
ThreadKiller" data-source="post: 5488526" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">ThreadKiller said:
OHMYGOSH - I'm still wipin' tears away from that one! Gotta share that in the Mature Vapers Forum!
They told me my password had to have eight characters, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I've watched it like 5 times already! Still cracks me up.OHMYGOSH - I'm still wipin' tears away from that one! Gotta share that in the Mature Vapers Forum!
What an excellent day to check out the funnies thread! Thanks, -killer and Wuzz!
I posted this on the old thread, but for those who didn't see it, you must see this and laugh! Cat vs Printer - The Translation - YouTube
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