The Funny Pages
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LOL -- I did post it when he said he wasn't really mad, but he probably didn't think too much of it 
. Do you ever do things like that where you just feel like you can't help yourself? Do it and be damned?
. Do you ever do things like that where you just feel like you can't help yourself? Do it and be damned?
LOL -- I did post it when he said he wasn't really mad, but he probably didn't think too much of it
Have you read any of my posts? If you have, how can you ask?
ThreadKiller" data-source="post: 5535787" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">ThreadKiller said:Have you read any of my posts? If you have, how can you ask?
Actually, I don't think I have. You surely can't be that terrible.... can you? tehehe
I hear marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who wants to live in an institution?
but who wants to live in an institution?
At ABC bank, you're not just another number.
You are three numbers followed by a dash followed by....
You are three numbers followed by a dash followed by....
"Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. "
Mae West
Mae West
Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up anyway.
Martha's Way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My Way: Eat, cook or use the egg. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My Way: What leftover wine?
My Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up anyway.
Martha's Way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My Way: Eat, cook or use the egg. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My Way: What leftover wine?
Groucho really had some great lines, thank you Ron, and more Mae West - love that gal!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. > Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A man woke up and found himself in a hospital, a doctor at his bedside.
The doctor asked him if he knew how he'd gotten there.
The man said no, he had no idea. The doc asked him what was the last thing he remembered.
"I was playing golf with my wife. It was a beautiful day and we were getting along well for once."
"Well, my wife hit a tee shot and it went to the right and into a cow pasture. We went in to look for the ball among the animals when I noticed that one of the cow's tails was twitching kinda strangely. Sure enough, when I moved the tail, there was my wife's golfball wedge between the cows ....-cheeks."
"Still lifting the tail, I turned to her and said 'Honey, this looks like yours'."
"And that's the last thing I remember, doc."
The doctor asked him if he knew how he'd gotten there.
The man said no, he had no idea. The doc asked him what was the last thing he remembered.
"I was playing golf with my wife. It was a beautiful day and we were getting along well for once."
"Well, my wife hit a tee shot and it went to the right and into a cow pasture. We went in to look for the ball among the animals when I noticed that one of the cow's tails was twitching kinda strangely. Sure enough, when I moved the tail, there was my wife's golfball wedge between the cows ....-cheeks."
"Still lifting the tail, I turned to her and said 'Honey, this looks like yours'."
"And that's the last thing I remember, doc."
A barber, a bald man and an absent minded professor take a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Funny bumper stickers:
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: "Everybody But Me."
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ........
My son is inmate of the month!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control
Jesus loves you, but he loves me best!
Proud to be everything the right wing hates
If you get any closer you'll need to wear a condom
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: "Everybody But Me."
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ........
My son is inmate of the month!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control
Jesus loves you, but he loves me best!
Proud to be everything the right wing hates
If you get any closer you'll need to wear a condom
Deep thoughts...... by Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
I was heartbroken when I heard about all those people in the chernobyl nuclear meltdown. It would be kind of cool to have kids with two glowing heads, though.
If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic.
“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”
“Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have”
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
I was heartbroken when I heard about all those people in the chernobyl nuclear meltdown. It would be kind of cool to have kids with two glowing heads, though.
If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic.
“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”
“Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have”
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
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