Heather's Heavenly Vapes - THE BIG THREAD (Part 6)

[Opinionated]

Parental discipline is tricky. There is a reason grandparents make better parents, it's because they learned from their own mistakes.

Children need to connect the discipline to the action, and the discipline also needs to be consistent so that a pathway is formed between the discipline and the action.

Otherwise, the discipline itself will make no sense to the child, and they connect other, often incorrect assumptions, concerning the reason for the discipline.

For example - If mom says no, but doesn't discipline to enforce the no until she's 'had enough', children see the discipline as an instrument of her anger, and not a direct consequence to their action.

When a no is given, and the no ignored, discipline needs to be swift, and consistent. Inconsistency, discipline too far removed from the action are the enemies of any parent.

While fathers have huge roles in parenting as well as mom's do, making the father the sole disciplinarian is also wrong, as that teaches only fear of the father coming home... and little fear of the bad action itself.

Dads are scarier in general, and while that can and should be used to good effect, good effect is still key -the main keys are always swift and immediate discipline in order to connect the discipline to the action, and that can only be done by the parent who is present at the time.

The funny thing, is that discipline need not be harsh... it simply needs to be swift and consistent. A willingness to actually get off the phone (for instance) long enough to pull a child away from a problem area while quietly saying no, goes so much farther than simply hollering a no, followed by an angry spanking when a parent has "time" because the child ignored the screaming parent to their hearts content.

People often miss the importance of those things.. and when your young you don't want to be "mean" so discipline is often inconsistent.

The less consistent the discipline, the more unruly the child, because they never figured out what caused the discipline to begin with, and ended up bitter and resentful of those in authority over them.

 

[Bronze]

Parental discipline is tricky. There is a reason grandparents make better parents, it's because they learned from their own mistakes.

Children need to connect the discipline to the action, and the discipline also needs to be consistent so that a pathway is formed between the discipline and the action.

Otherwise, the discipline itself will make no sense to the child, and they connect other, often incorrect assumptions, concerning the reason for the discipline.

For example - If mom says no, but doesn't discipline to enforce the no until she's 'had enough', children see the discipline as an instrument of her anger, and not a direct consequence to their action.

When a no is given, and the no ignored, discipline needs to be swift, and consistent. Inconsistency, discipline too far removed from the action are the enemies of any parent.

While fathers have huge roles in parenting as well as mom's do, making the father the sole disciplinarian is also wrong, as that teaches only fear of the father coming home... and little fear of the bad action itself.

Dads are scarier in general, and while that can and should be used to good effect, good effect is still key -the main keys are always swift and immediate discipline in order to connect the discipline to the action, and that can only be done by the parent who is present at the time.

The funny thing, is that discipline need not be harsh... it simply needs to be swift and consistent. A willingness to actually get off the phone (for instance) long enough to pull a child away from a problem area while quietly saying no, goes so much farther than simply hollering a no, followed by an angry spanking when a parent has "time" because the child ignored the screaming parent to their hearts content.

People often miss the importance of those things.. and when your young you don't want to be "mean" so discipline is often inconsistent.

The less consistent the discipline, the more unruly the child, because they never figured out what caused the discipline to begin with, and ended up bitter and resentful of those in authority over them.

My mom NEVER said, "Wait till your father gets home". She took care of business herself. But if Dad had to get involved it was all over for us. Nothing got his back up more than his kids mouthing off to their mom. That was an automatic death sentence with no trial.

 

[Bronze]

OK Robin, it's been since Saturday since you last checked in. Time to return.

 

[kkay59]

I grew up in the traditional home, with both parents. My mother was a young mother, and she had to discipline us while my father was at work. My father worked shift work, and was a strict disciplinarian. When we were very young, that worked out pretty well. As we got into school age though, my father handed the punishment out. If my mother told him what we did, we would get it when he got home, no matter what time that happened to be. My paternal grandmother was the disciplinarian. My grandfather was more of a buddy figure. My paternal grandparents were born in the late 1800's. You better believe times were different then on discipline compared to now. I didn't get physical punishment in my mid to late teens, but my brother did. When my father was in his 60's on up, he would tell people he made a mistake with us. (by being too strict) When we were finally able to leave home on our own, we went absolutely wild. The freedom was exhilarating.
I was afraid of repeating the same type of discipline with my own children. (before I had them) I went through a phase of self help, to understand and get over the past. I didn't believe in corporal punishment during that time. I got married and had two young children. My ex and I split when my daughter just turned two, and I was heavily pregnant with my second child. My husband did use corporal punishment on my first child, and I wasn't happy about that, and would step in if I thought he went too far. After my son was born I had to be both mother and father to my kids. My daughter was very head strong, and she was a challenge. I read all the books, and it was not working with her. So I spanked her for serious cases of misbehavior or defiance. Spanking her did not work, so I stopped eventually. What worked her was to put her in her room all by herself. She hated that with a passion.
My son did not mind if you put him in his room by himself at all. He did however get spanked up until maybe 10-11 years old. I cannot remember for sure. There were no spankings during the tweener age on up. Grounding and taking away games, computer and phone time were used past that time period. I wasn't a perfect parent, but I did the best I could. When the kids were very young I had major health problems that I won't go into on here. I was lucky to be alive and raise them. You've heard what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Well I can say I fully understand that, without a doubt.

 

[retic1959]

Nasty, miserable , sleet and snow here , they can shove the global warming where the sun don't shine , this is NOLA not NYC .

 

[kkay59]

We got the same cold snap you did, however we only had occasional tiny flurries. Right before this the temps were in the 70's-80's in the daytime. Now it is noon, and it is in the high 30's. I do not acclimate well to wildly swinging temperatures. Retic, I hope you still have electricity there. When we get sleet and snow, often times we will lose electricity, and I hate that. If I have proper heat in the house, I don't care how cold it is outside. I'd rather be cold and bundle up, than too hot and I can't cool off.

 

[Hulamoon]

My mom NEVER said, "Wait till your father gets home". She took care of business herself. But if Dad had to get involved it was all over for us. Nothing got his back up more than his kids mouthing off to their mom. That was an automatic death sentence with no trial.

My dad was an exception to the above. It's hard enough now for a Dad to get custody I think, imagine what it was back then! He got custody of us two girls in the 1960's, had to go all the way to the "hanging judge" (the last judge in England to pass a death sentence) for the hearing. But he did it. Only time he whupped my end was when I ran across the street without looking/listening, when a car was coming. And that was more due to fear than "punishment". God Bless Dad

 

[Hulamoon]

No snow here......

 

[gthompson]

I may be in NOLA for New Years.

Nasty, miserable , sleet and snow here , they can shove the global warming where the sun don't shine , this is NOLA not NYC .

 

[PapawBrett]

No snow here......

Rain has turned to sleet here. Which is a huge problem in the Queen City of the Piedmont. These people consider themselves the home of NASCAR. Hall of Fame, Charlotte Motor Speedway, DEI, Hendrick Motorsports, etc. all within a twenty five mile radius.
Which means they can't drive in the rain, they don't use turn signals, they like to swap paint, and they don't tailgate- they draft ! I've seen a couple of million miles of these clowns (literally) and any frozen precipitation is an automatic armageddon around here.

 

[LAwaters]

@PapawBrett - We actually don’t disagree. Both parents have important roles and serious responsibility.

It’s more like the “tools” being given to parents today that are supposed to be what’s best for children are mostly wrong. It’s like being told to build a solid, durable house - using blueprints for a see-saw! Oh, and don’t use any tools. Just wave your arms around a lot and hope for the best. Then when the house you build turns out all wrong, well, it’s all your fault.

Well-meaning parents who really try and do their best consistently are facing a culture that tells their kids that parents are idiots (watch any show or movie aimed at kids, or any music, video or game) and that they are “supposed” to rebel. Kids face a ton of pressure to go wrong. Parents face the hammer of the law if any whiff of “abuse” is thrown out there. Parents get more encouragement to tell their kids how special they are than to lovingly hold them accountable for their actions.

And through it all, no one seems to emphasize that we all have a choice to make regardless of how we were raised. And that choice is our own, sole responsibility. And I’m off my soapbox now too!

 

[PapawBrett]

I once set the phone in front of my son and told him "Call Social Services if you want, but it will take 20 minutes for them to get here. And I will make it worth my while. And while you are at it, consider this - I pay the Rent, the Electric, the Gas, the Cable TV, and other stuff. Without me, your mother and all of you are homeless."

I never heard another word about Social Services....

 

[PapawBrett]

My answer to Modern Parenting -
"Dr. Joyce Brother's son is in prison for crack ........"

 

[retic1959]

I may be in NOLA for New Years.

Give us a holler if you decide to come down this way GT .

 

[retic1959]

We got the same cold snap you did, however we only had occasional tiny flurries. Right before this the temps were in the 70's-80's in the daytime. Now it is noon, and it is in the high 30's. I do not acclimate well to wildly swinging temperatures. Retic, I hope you still have electricity there. When we get sleet and snow, often times we will lose electricity, and I hate that. If I have proper heat in the house, I don't care how cold it is outside. I'd rather be cold and bundle up, than too hot and I can't cool off.

We still have power , my car is covered in ice right now , hope BK ain't out in this crap .

 

[PapawBrett]

Since it is turning into a cold and nasty evening, Mamaw is cooking Homemade Potato Soup !

 

[Opinionated]

Hope the weather gets better for all...

 

[kkay59]

Opinionated, I am glad you got out of that relationship. Kids do remember more than we think they do.
My kids did see their father during the appointed times. I wanted them to know their father. He had good things about him, and bad. (we all do to a certain degree) A few times I had to intervene, and let him know certain things would not be tolerated. My kids never spoke about moving in with their dad. They might've thought about it, but if they did they never mentioned it to me. In some ways I was strict, in other ways I was lenient. I always tried to be consistent. They knew where the line was. I had to learn to pick the battles worth fighting. That is easier said than done. I don't know whether my kids thought I was too strict or not. Maybe when they are a little older I will ask them. I couldn't say "wait until your father gets home", I had both roles. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I did have to pray a lot for strength and wisdom. I needed all the help I could get, let me tell you!

 

[Opinionated]

Opinionated, I am glad you got out of that relationship. Kids do remember more than we think they do.
My kids did see their father during the appointed times. I wanted them to know their father. He had good things about him, and bad. (we all do to a certain degree) A few times I had to intervene, and let him know certain things would not be tolerated. My kids never spoke about moving in with their dad. They might've thought about it, but if they did they never mentioned it to me. In some ways I was strict, in other ways I was lenient. I always tried to be consistent. They knew where the line was. I had to learn to pick the battles worth fighting. That is easier said than done. I don't know whether my kids thought I was too strict or not. Maybe when they are a little older I will ask them. I couldn't say "wait until your father gets home", I had both roles. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I did have to pray a lot for strength and wisdom. I needed all the help I could get, let me tell you!

I had both roles too, and your right its never easy.

With me, compared to how I was raised, I raised my kids (to use a metaphor that people will understand) as far left as the most liberal nutjob on the planet compared to how right my parents were. Lol..

I am still considered the bad parent in my family, and will go down in family history as such for daring to allow my children opportunity for free thought and to become master's of their own destiny.

However, that is just compared to my family.... to compare how I raised my kids to how their friends were being raised, I was unusually strict - even abnormally so.

It was the best balance I knew how though. .. something in between both worlds.. I gave them opportunities I would have wanted for myself, without allowing them to go too far....

I ended with an excellent relationship with them, but teen years with my daughter were quite difficult... my son was easier.

I'm glad your kids still got to see their father and be in his life. .. that's a blessing for kids to have that. ..

 

[kkay59]

It sounds like you did a wonderful job. My parents didn't agree with some things that I let my kids do. I let my mom know that my kids are grown, and they have to make their own decisions now. I may not like some of the things that they do, but I won't allow my relationship to be ruined with them by putting a big red line down. I have said I don't agree with this or that, and why. I don't say a lot about what they do, or don't do these days. They have turned out to be great young adults. If they want my opinion, they know they can always ask me. They also know I will tell them the truth about it. They rarely ask for my opinion! One reason they don't ask is because they pretty much already know what I am going to think about something anyway. I let them know about life, and they know what I consider to be right or wrong. I gave them the foundation, and the rest is up to them ultimately. Once they start having their own children, they may ask for my opinion in the future. You pay for your raising. I did, and my kids will know what that means one of these days too.