Hey Y'all

Other than my first announcement, this post is about my trial and if you find that boring, just skip the post!
Well, first things first... I smoked a stinky. First whole one (since the one I lit after a month and gagged lighting) because I was so stressed after my trial and didn't bring an e-cig (parents being around and all, didn't expect to have time to kill after trial - but that's all coming shortly in the post). So yeah, I was bad, but at least it was menthol - and sadly I enjoyed it - but as soon as I was done with it? I couldn't stand the smell of myself! Luckily we got drinks and I washed my hands and there were 20 people around smoking so the parentals took it in stride when I said I was down wind of all the smokers. I never told them I didn't smoke, I simply said I was downwind.
Reversing time, we go back to Weds. am (yesterday basically). The parents picked us up at 6:15 or so and we made record time getting from C-town to Columbus and we were 45 mins early

Mom picked a fight about parking and so I got out of the car with Colin in a breezeway that goes under the 2nd floor of the building, which for those who know Columbus, is right by Nationwide Arena and the Convention Center. We wandered around, then went in to wait and I took a second valium because mom had totally rattled me - nice way for me to go into my disability hearing - not.
So time got near and at about 8:00 I went into the lobby for the video hearings and got wanded and slid the phone and Colin's debit card out the door to him (I would have had to have been wanded again just for handing them to him. I had had the card because we were going to go to Starbucks, but being relatively poor by now in the month, Mom & Dad were going to be giving us money...but we figured they might not want to see us with Starbucks cups. They never even came in the building, they wandered around and mom ate a 2nd breakfast and we had to wait 30 mins *after* the trial for them too (which was when I had the stinky) so we could have had that Starbucks $#*)$*# it!
So my lawyer came in the lobby with me, went over a few last minute things, and in we went for the trial via video from St Louis to Columbus. The judge was quite nice. My lawyer hadn't ever dealt with her before, but she apologized to me for how long I'd been waiting, for my denials, all that stuff. She asked me why I waited so long to file (I waited over a year because I had alimony and health insurance still for 18 months after I stopped working). She grilled me and I got freaked out and started to lose it and I told her that I was about to, when it was coming on, and that I wouldn't be able to stop it. I told her this was pretty much what happened when I got stressed and it was horrible to do in front of customers and even worse at work, because every employee can figure out what button to push if they wanted to and that made for a miserable work experience. (I've never been so thankful for having a lawyer in my LIFE because she kept telling me it was OK and then she (my lawyer) spoke a bit.
After that, they had a woman who was like a job counselor or rehab specialist who testified about what my jobs officially were in the last 15 years and why I'd giving 2 different titles for one job, and I told her that while I held the position they changed the title of the job 3 times. I only had 2 jobs, thankfully in that 15 year time-frame which worked in my favor (plus a job at an aquarium store to support my aquarium habits). So then she took what the physical limitations I'd been given were, and suggested 4 other positions (I started crying again as soon as she started talking about jobs I knew there was no way I could work in so I felt like an idiot again) available not only in state but in the country (including office helper and product cleaner?). Then my lawyer asked if the job specialist had seen the 4 page report from my Psychologist. She said no, so I got to hear it for the first time. He basically said I was incapable, due to some Bipolar, anxiety/panic disorder and PTSD situations, of working in any position that wouldn't allow me free control of my attendance and absenteeism, which the job counselor said negated any possible positions for work.
So basically I'm incapable, on a mental (if not physical) level of holding a part or full time job. I knew that already, I'm OK when I can do things in my time, on my terms, etc, but I know I can't work again and that's hard to explain again because I really *want* to work, but I can't - a lot of people don't understand that because I can be online, etc. and seem fine. I thought I was more disabled physically - I know how my body feels - but I was unaware that my Psychologist was so understanding on the other things because we had talked about me freaking about about working again. In the 5 areas he discussed, I was "lightly to moderately impaired (working with strangers)" and the other 4 work situations I am "moderately to markedly unable to work." Hard words to hear, but also a moment of relief.
The judge finished up, said she was sorry about all my time delays (again) and I'll have my answer in 2-4 weeks, more likely 2-3 weeks because she wants my situation rectified as soon as possible - so I don't know how to take it. It could still get denied and then I'd have to wait another year for yet another trial - I pray that doesn't happen!
We went to Bob Evans with Mom & Dad for Mom's 3rd meal of the day (at 10:45 am) and the rest of us had lunch, lol! I think we got home at like 1 pm, I laid down for a nap and got up at 7 am, lol! There were 2 interruptions, 1 phone call and one was the mail man - otherwise I didn't stir at ALL. Total relief achieved I'd say!
I'm just mad at myself for smoking a cig - but we're all human!
daisy