My girlfriend told me she was dumping me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I assumed she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
And then I saw her face.
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Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to a wall?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call just his arms and legs, nailed to another wall?
A: Pieces of Art.
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?
A: Brenda.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, because he won't come anyway.
A: Art.
Q: What do you call just his arms and legs, nailed to another wall?
A: Pieces of Art.
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?
A: Brenda.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, because he won't come anyway.
A man is taking his dog for an early walk on a route that goes right by the cemetery. As he's walking, he sees a man behind one of the gravestones. "Morning!", he says.
"Nah," slurs the stranger. "Just taking a dump."
"Nah," slurs the stranger. "Just taking a dump."
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A little old lady knocks on the door of the biker clubhouse. A huge burly greasy biker opens the door...."Yeah, what do you want?
The lady says, "I'd like to join your club".
The biker shakes his head and says, "Nope...ya gotta have a bike".
The lady points to a beautiful, mint condition, Harley across the street..."That's my bike". Amused, the biker then asks if she smokes. The lady produces a bag of...um....herbs (lol) and a carton of cigs. "What's your joy"?
The biker smiles and then asks if she's ever been picked up by the fuzz.
The lady sighs...shaking her head as she thinks. Feeling she has failed, the lady admits she's never been picked up by the fuzz.
Then...she brightens her tone and says, "But I've been swung around by my nipples a couple of times"!
The lady says, "I'd like to join your club".
The biker shakes his head and says, "Nope...ya gotta have a bike".
The lady points to a beautiful, mint condition, Harley across the street..."That's my bike". Amused, the biker then asks if she smokes. The lady produces a bag of...um....herbs (lol) and a carton of cigs. "What's your joy"?
The biker smiles and then asks if she's ever been picked up by the fuzz.
The lady sighs...shaking her head as she thinks. Feeling she has failed, the lady admits she's never been picked up by the fuzz.
Then...she brightens her tone and says, "But I've been swung around by my nipples a couple of times"!
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a pretty young woman were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. It was an old style train with no lights in the carriages. As the train passed through a tunnel, it got completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the girl and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face, stinging from the slap.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed that pretty girl and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The girl was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the girl and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face, stinging from the slap.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed that pretty girl and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The girl was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
This past weekend, I bought a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?
I've had the song Orinoco Flow stuck in my head for two weeks now. I'd go to the doctor, but I'm worried he'd diagnose an Enyarysm.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roamin’ Catholic.
Q: How do crazy people make their way through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
A: A Roamin’ Catholic.
Q: How do crazy people make their way through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
A blonde entered an electronics store.
"How much is that TV?" she asked the salesman.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes here," he answered.
Enraged, the blode stormed out of the store. The next day, donning a brunette wig, she returned to the store.
"How much is that TV?"
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes here."
"Dammit! How did you know I was blonde?"
"Well, to begin with, that's not a TV. It's a microwave."
"How much is that TV?" she asked the salesman.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes here," he answered.
Enraged, the blode stormed out of the store. The next day, donning a brunette wig, she returned to the store.
"How much is that TV?"
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes here."
"Dammit! How did you know I was blonde?"
"Well, to begin with, that's not a TV. It's a microwave."
Two men were walking their dogs together. The first guy has a Golden Retriever and the second a Chihuahua.
The first guy says, "Hey, let's get something to eat."
The second guy replies, "But all these restaurants have signs that say 'No Dogs Allowed'."
So, the guy with the Retriever puts on sunglasses, and hands the other guy a pair. "Here, follow my lead," he says.
As he walks into the restaurant a waiter stops him and says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed, sir."
The man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing-eye dog." The waiter apologizes, and leads the man to a table just as the second man enters the restaurant.
The same waiter stops him, and the guy says "This is my seeing-eye dog. I'm with the other guy."
The waiter replies, "Sir, you can't fool me, you have a Chihuahua."
The man freaks out and says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a freakin' Chihuahua?!"
The first guy says, "Hey, let's get something to eat."
The second guy replies, "But all these restaurants have signs that say 'No Dogs Allowed'."
So, the guy with the Retriever puts on sunglasses, and hands the other guy a pair. "Here, follow my lead," he says.
As he walks into the restaurant a waiter stops him and says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed, sir."
The man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing-eye dog." The waiter apologizes, and leads the man to a table just as the second man enters the restaurant.
The same waiter stops him, and the guy says "This is my seeing-eye dog. I'm with the other guy."
The waiter replies, "Sir, you can't fool me, you have a Chihuahua."
The man freaks out and says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a freakin' Chihuahua?!"
A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid. But it's OK, he can stop anytime he wants.
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul music legend?
A: Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
(Punchline enhancement...)
A: Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
(Punchline enhancement...)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. She asks him for his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. She then explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says ... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. She asks him for his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. She then explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says ... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
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A guy goes in to see his doctor. The doctor evaluates the patient and says, "I have bad news - you have Alzheimer's disease and you have cancer".
The guy looks back at his doctor and says, "At least I don't have Alzheimer's."
The guy looks back at his doctor and says, "At least I don't have Alzheimer's."
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of tree-hugging, pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my sailors by their last names only. Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye aye, Chief!"
"Now that we got that straight, what's your name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do..."
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of tree-hugging, pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my sailors by their last names only. Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye aye, Chief!"
"Now that we got that straight, what's your name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do..."
It's not exactly politically correct, but I don't think folks will find it terribly offensive...
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Kwan Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come to work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt. I not come to work."
The boss says, "You know Kwan Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kwan Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
************
Kwan Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come to work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt. I not come to work."
The boss says, "You know Kwan Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kwan Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
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