I'm glad you're going -- you've become very important to this thread, and I don't think ANY of us would want anything bad to happen to you, and it sounds like you may have a serious situation going on, which only a legitimate psychiatrist can diagnose and treat.
I don't know if I always have good answers -- I try to answer honestly and to the best of my ability, and if that makes good answers, I'm glad. Actually I would love to be a child psychologist; so many children are either so completely dismissed as irrelevant, or pumped up into egocentric monsters, I'd love to be able to actually do something about that... but I'm nearly 55; I'm pretty sure the ship has not only sailed but is now completely over the horizon, as far as getting any "higher education." They don't let high school grads do that kind of work.
This is one aspect of my continuing struggle with depression; so much of my life was so totally wasted with substance abuse, that now I'm middle-aged and within sight of actual old age, and really haven't done anything useful with my life. Fortunately I'm a believer in karma and reincarnation, so I'm hopeful that I've managed to work out a good deal of karma in this life if nothing else, so that perhaps my next life will be more useful and satisfying. This one is pretty much done; at this point I'm just trying to make sure that the end of it isn't too unpleasant. Death doesn't scare me at all; how I get thru the process of dying, that scares the hell out of me!
Andria