Pain and how we deal with that pain defines who we are to a large extent. I suffer from physical pain a lot, a rare day when it is low enough to be background...
However I have suffered self inflicted? mental pain my entire life. I grow weary of the constant struggle with depression and anxiety aka fear that have been my constant companions during my life as far back into my childhood as I can remember. One learns to compensate and hide these things from others for several reasons. To not worry others that care for you, to not appear weak, to try and fit in with others, etc...
I think I understand Robin Williams more than most do. What people see us as is often a carefully constructed facade that becomes what others think we are.
And how can we burden the ones we love with the pain we feel?
I am just very weary of my journey, the constant battle has worn me down....
Well back to tooting on my Cinnamon Danish swirl.
Robert, there is so much I'ld like to say.
Much of our suffering may appear to be self-inflicted. It is, and it isn't. It's all a result of our past. What we've suffered, what we've been taught, and our biology. We have no choice in where we start. And, to do anything beyond where that leads us takes tremendous effort and luck.
With depression, I lucked out when I went through menopause. That's when suddenly the intensity of my depression finally lifted. I still got depressed. But, the intensity and the hopelessness of it finally lifted. Biology has a tremendous effect on emotions. Hormones, nutrition, sleep, etc.
I've always tended to block things out, both emotions and memories. The day the worst of the memories came back to me was a turning point in my life. When I was 8 months pregnant with my first child, one day memories started flooding back. The emotions were so intense that I felt I was being crushed by a tidal wave, like I would die. No wonder I blocked out the memories. After all, they were the memories of an 8 year old. And, an 8 year old is not prepared to deal with such a crushing
sense of shame. Because that's what I felt, an incredible, crushing sense of shame, along with lots of little memories attached to the shame.
I also used to repress anger. I don't know if it was because I felt a lot of anger and felt it was dangerous to express it or if it was because my mother and my third grade teacher had such bad tempers and hurt me so badly without ever needing to lay a hand on me. To me anger was violence (and unforgivable).
Then one day, something happened that made me very angry. But, this time I felt so justified in my anger that I didn't block it out and repress it. Yes, I did start to. I felt the shame of it, felt like I was in a deep pit. But, before I buried that part of myself in the pit (which felt so familiar), my self-righteous anger stopped me this one time. And, guess what. The world didn't end. No one died. And, I didn't block it out.
That's the first time I REMEMBERED being angry and started to ever so slowly integrate that part of myself into my awareness.
Many years later, I went through a period where I felt like my anger was so intense that it could destroy the world. I felt like I was burning up from the inside. I was in enough pain that I desperately started experimenting. What worked best at that time was a combination of forgiveness and mindfulness (also called walking meditation).
The Old Folks threads are turning out to be part of me learning to feel less fearful and distrusting. Especially in combination with my experiences with the doctors I've had recently. I've never had a doctor before that seemed to genuinely care. It's a first for me. Some of the weariness and hopelessness is starting to lift.
Sorry I went on and on. The whole point I was trying to make is: Don't give up. There is always still hope. I don't know what would help you. I'm not good at knowing what to say or how to help. Of course, a big part of what causes you such emotional pain might be the physical pain you're in. I'm lucky enough to not have too much experience with that. But, there are plenty on this thread that do have a lot of experience with pain and how to deal with it.
At least, you know you're not alone here.
