Older Folks and Vaping Back Porch - Part Seven
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You are right, talking doesn't resolve the issues, but maybe it helps take off a little pressure? Some support is a good thing to have.
I know an awful work situation - apologoies for adding in a political comment for those of a different viewpoint - but imagine working for DJT, complete with destructive Sunday night text messages. The work environment could be described as toxic. Yup, bite the tongue and hold back from lashing out. Making my situation worse, I'm in management and hubby also works there. I can't come home and complain about what's going on. He has to be able to work with the president and other idiots. I can't put him in the middle, not to mention confidentiality issues. I wish I had that as an outlet. I've been there, nights of no sleep as my mind races with anger, frustration, etc.
You'll have to make your own path out of the cycle. Talk to your doctor and get help! Kind of like vaping - find what works for you. For me it was medication so I could sleep and deal with the anxiety, sleep being the key. I still hate some of the things that are going on. I can't do anything more to change the situation, the boss, the stupid decisions - so I make a conscious choice to let it go, after an internal rant or two or three. It's my way to stay sane. Some days it's hard and I'm up until 4am so it's still a work in progress. I'm not on the medications any longer, but they're there if I need them.
Teenage boys are a PIA. I think that's in their rule book as a rite of passage. Don't let him control you either. If you do, the little brat wins.
You are not alone, I feel your pain. Best to you.
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Casket weaver, is there somewhere else you can stay, just for a month, while you de-stress and the three of you can get some family counseling.
I know that my father had some work-related stresses, and at times it was walking on eggshells. Back then there were not the resources they have now. Maybe you need to take advantage of some of them.
I don't know whether you are feeling pressure leading to violence, but prevention is criticial if you are.
I know that my father had some work-related stresses, and at times it was walking on eggshells. Back then there were not the resources they have now. Maybe you need to take advantage of some of them.
I don't know whether you are feeling pressure leading to violence, but prevention is criticial if you are.
Sadly enough, it's too late. I finally let loose a hail of fire last night. So we went to dinner, we had the 4 of us gathered at a table for what we thought was going to be a good night out. Then it all went to hell. How her son talks to people in general is what sets me off. He got mad because he didn't get his way and that's when my fuse hit the dynamite. After hearing him try to blame her for his meal, we ordered something else for him to eat and I made my comments for him to shut his mouth or I'd shut it for him. After we came home, that's when we (my partner and I) opened the floodgates on him. Both of us are tired, all we asked for is a little help from time to time. Help with the simplest things. Also to get him to start manning up and being more responsible with himself and with the things he needs to do (IE SHOWER AND CHORES - more into this later). We laid it out for him - that at his age, we shouldn't have to wipe his .... for him or clean up his messes. We also laid it out in a language that anybody can understand. That disrespecting people (in the manner that he does) in our crazy society comes with consequences. Consequences that can lead to one getting incarcerated or worse. After I incinerated his pride, vented out my agitation, got my point thoroughly across, she took the reigns and finished what I started. It was needed. For both of us to lay into our common cause for most of the stress. This morning, he brought us a list of what we needed to do to help him AND IN RETURN, we brought him a list of things we needed from him to help us. Maybe it will stick, maybe it won't - either way, both of us are dead set, that we will not accept or tolerate any less than success with this. The punishment for him giving up or reverting back to old ways - are extreme. He loses everything. We go in and start cleaning house. We did hand him a phone and said, "If you think this is unfair, you can call who you need to call and see if they'll support your poor decisions." He has refused to make a call yet. She has also made it perfectly clear that if he continues to pull his crap, he will be sent to his fathers.
He doesn't want to go to his dads because he knows, his nonsense won't be tolerated.
As for the showers thing, at a young age everybody got their bath time / shower time. This kid as a teen thinks its funny to go WEEKS without a shower. And his mom has yelled at him - which adds stress to her and the baby and myself. Which then leads to conflict. Same applies with chores. Everyday we had to remind him to check the garbage, scoop the litter box, and clean up after himself. He's 16 !@#$in years old! When I was 16 I was autonomous - I KNEW what was expected and I carried out my EXPECTATIONS without sass, without showing my ...., and without excuses. It just happened. Why? Because my dad would have beat the living crap out of me otherwise. We also informed him that the reason we're bringing down the hammer now is not because we're mean, but because we do - yes even myself - cares about him and what he does with his life. I just buried one of my own family members recently because of his poor decisions in life. One of those was drugs. He chose drugs instead of his own kids. Not saying it's wrong... but it's not right either. Not saying it's easy to break, but it's not impossible to do either. Some people just don't try. Trust me. I try every day. I get up at wee hours of the morning, go to a job I hate, come home, deal with this BS, and then wash, rinse repeat. But I keep trying. I keep going. I keep 'soldier-ing on'. I don't let life continue to slap me around.
As for 'pressure leading to violence' - no, I don't use violence as a tactic. I use it as a last resort when / if I feel my life, my partners life, or our kids' life is jeopardized in any way / shape / form.
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Good for you! It sounds like you dished out a load of wisdom he needed to hear. He may be playing his Mom & you against his Dad. (Mom doesn't make me do such & such.) Rules are everywhere. Bad choices leave a mark.
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Sounds like the two of your are on the same page, and regardless of any success with the 16 yo
nun that's a very good thing! I agree with Kenna, although of course neither of us is there, that he may be playing off "dad" and "step" dad. Great that you two are working together to try to straighten him out.
Being a step dad is hard, my wife had 4 kids prior to me, so I've been there. It often felt like the proverbial tight rope walk, especially since her oldest was 14 when I came on the scene. Being reliably there and following through - on ultimatems and promises! - may do the trick.
Got a pressure washer?
You did a good job. Is he going to school? If he is, is he maintaining good grades? If he is not going to school, should re-enrollment in a second-chance program ab a condition for staying? There you will also get support in helping him make the required changes.
It sounds like the fireworks were needed to clear the air and some positives came out of it.
- it's obvious you and your partner are on the same page dealing with him. Now he knows that in no uncertain terms.
- He clearly knows the consequences of his actions (or lack thereof).
- It's a good sign that he came back with a list of things he wants (reasonable or not), he does need to feel heard too. Giving him the same in return is a basis for ongoing, respectful, discussions of the good and not so good.
I suspect some days will be better than others, but there is hope.
That was the highlight of my topic last night. Your poor decisions will haunt you for eternity. I should know, I'm a bit 2x your age. I have seen, done, and returned from making choices, both good and bad. The good ones, people are quick to forget about. The bad ones... ehhh not so much.
Sounds like the two of your are on the same page, and regardless of any success with the 16 yo
I agree with Kenna, although of course neither of us is there, that he may be playing off "dad" and "step" dad. Great that you two are working together to try to straighten him out.
Being a step dad is hard, my wife had 4 kids prior to me, so I've been there. It often felt like the proverbial tight rope walk, especially since her oldest was 14 when I came on the scene. Being reliably there and following through - on ultimatems and promises! - may do the trick.
Got a pressure washer?
Look, if taking him outside and showering him down like Turner did to hooch with the car scrubber weren't illegal... he'd be getting it every night. It's just terrible that one has to be "reminded" to go wash their ..... No need for that stuff man. Not at 16. Maybe at 8 and 9... but like... almost 17? No way chief, no way at all.
As for being a step dad. I was married to a woman with 3 kids once. It only took one time for me to go in and start busting heads and they quickly learned "Maybe its best not to piss him off and just do what we're told the first time. Getting thrashed or having our room turned inside out because we can't seem to have some integrity isn't remotely fun."
If he wants to turn me against his biological father, that's not hard to do. His dad doesn't even make the attempts to get a hold of him except during the summer where he goes to visit for a month and then comes home. Other than that, nothing. Hell, here I am, 35 and my dad and I talk almost every other day. Even if it's just a "Hey just checking in on you...".
He's going to school, his grades are pretty good actually. He's an honor roll student. If he can pull that stuff off with ease, then he really should be thinking about "What comes after High School?" Seriously. I got it, we're worlds apart when it comes to expectations vs. reality. The issue(s) at hand is he had imbedded into his head that it's acceptable to be disrespectful and lazy. The excuse "I forgot..." isn't an excuse outside of this house. That was also another message that was brought up. That and having to be told to be somewhere, at a certain time, to perform a certain task is not something employers or colleges want to have to do. When he's all grown up, he'll be expected to be fully autonomous. Nobody will be there to hold his hand to make sure he gets to the right place, at the right time, for the right reasons. And when he decides (should he decide to go to college) how in Gods name is he going to care for himself? These are questions he needs to ask himself. Because at the end of the day, all he'll have is himself.
At the end of the day the current generation (Gen-Y / Z) has got to be the most laziest generation I have met in my dang life. First, they want more money for less work. They want all these high speed / high cost benefits for nothing. They won't dare raise a finger or a hand to swear an oath to something. Hell, 80% of them can't even show up to work on time in the proper attire. And to them I say - "You didn't do a damn thing to earn those benefits you claim you're entitled to, so, if you want those luxuries - get off your ... and make them happen! And stop calling in sick when you just don't want to work! If you don't want to work, then don't accept a job offer. Stay home, do nothing, and maybe having nothing will motivate you to do something!"
"Rise above from pain, unplug, do something,
A wise man said do something, or do nothing,
I tried doing nothing, and nothing didn't help me,
And now I'm still here, driving change ... doing something" - Soldier Hard - Rise Above (Do Something)
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@CasketWeaver It's great that you and your partner were on the same page with this intervention. Sounds like it was sorely needed. Now stick to your guns! I'm surprised about the lack of showering of a 16 year old. You'd think his friends, especially the girls, would get on him about it unless they don't shower either?
I don't know and I don't really care to know about what his friends and the girls think about it. It's self evident that his friends don't want to come around him. And the kid hasn't been on any dates that I am aware of. Probably for the same reason.
As for us being on the same page, we definitely know to stick together. Not many partners know what to do when all else fails.
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Show him some pics of skin infections. Explain that his skin is one of his organs, just like his heart. That smell of because of bacteria living on his skin. It's causing the decay of his skin. Scare the daylights out of him with that explanation & the pics. Tell him the odor is a warning that bad things are happening.
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@CasketWeaver I just caught up on the stepson thread. First, congrats on you and your parner for coming together. That in itself is sometimes hard to do. Second, hard love is sometimes sorely needed, especially with this young generation. Good for you for dishing it out. I don't know why but you're right about their attitudes and expectations.
Your story reminds me of two incidents with my son. When he was a teenager he had two chores: take the trash out to the trash can and keep his room at least somewhat neat (for a teenager). At one point, after I had to remind him several times to take the trash out and being ignored, I dumped the entire trash bag contents on his bed. Some leakage occured on the bed sheets. He was furious. After he scooped everything back in the trash bag he started yelling about his sheets were now so dirty and how could he sleep in that bed. I calmly reminded him that we have a washer, dryer and laundry soap if he wanted clean sheets. After he stomped around for a while and muttered under his breath about how unfair I was he washed his sheets and remade the bed. As I recall even though I still had to remind him to take out the trash sometimes, he mostly remembered on his own after that.
The other incident involved telling him that if he didn't like the house rules he could go find somewhere else to live. I don't even remember what brought that on. I do remember that when I said that he went to my husband, his dad, and asked him if he would stand for that. Hubs answer was yes and what was his decision - live there and behave or move out. My son was pretty shocked and accused us of not loving him but he stayed and behaved…mostly.
Don't get me wrong. He was a good kid…just a typical teenager. They push and test the limits to see how far they can stretch them. We as parents just have to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
Your story reminds me of two incidents with my son. When he was a teenager he had two chores: take the trash out to the trash can and keep his room at least somewhat neat (for a teenager). At one point, after I had to remind him several times to take the trash out and being ignored, I dumped the entire trash bag contents on his bed. Some leakage occured on the bed sheets. He was furious. After he scooped everything back in the trash bag he started yelling about his sheets were now so dirty and how could he sleep in that bed. I calmly reminded him that we have a washer, dryer and laundry soap if he wanted clean sheets. After he stomped around for a while and muttered under his breath about how unfair I was he washed his sheets and remade the bed. As I recall even though I still had to remind him to take out the trash sometimes, he mostly remembered on his own after that.
The other incident involved telling him that if he didn't like the house rules he could go find somewhere else to live. I don't even remember what brought that on. I do remember that when I said that he went to my husband, his dad, and asked him if he would stand for that. Hubs answer was yes and what was his decision - live there and behave or move out. My son was pretty shocked and accused us of not loving him but he stayed and behaved…mostly.
Don't get me wrong. He was a good kid…just a typical teenager. They push and test the limits to see how far they can stretch them. We as parents just have to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
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Not to side track the thread. If any one can help. please do. There's only 4 more hours left.
For the price of a Chinese Atty....
I am unemployed at the moment and gave a few bucks.
www.kickstarter.com/projects/biebert/you-dont-know-nicotine-documentary-film
As you were..
For the price of a Chinese Atty....
I am unemployed at the moment and gave a few bucks.
www.kickstarter.com/projects/biebert/you-dont-know-nicotine-documentary-film
As you were..
Well, it's hard sometimes because I felt (there for awhile) that I would have gotten side swiped by her. When she stood up and supported me, I was shocked and at the same time, glad. The fact that he was very disrespectful to her, is what shocks me and made me angry to begin with. It's also very easy to get things done. It really is. If you can remember to turn on your Playstation, turn on your iPad, or turn on your TV, then to me, there should be no reason why you can't remember to PROPERLY scoop the litter box, to take a peek into the garbage can and if it's full take it out, load the dishwasher, run it, and unload the clean dishes, and take a damn shower EVERY night. Like - what the hell is wrong with people? I know, I know - technically, I'm a Gen-Y myself. However... and yes there is a however... I was raised by traditionalists with traditional values. "Hard work pays off..." and "You won't get anywhere being lazy..." or the infamous "You kids don't know the value of..." so what did I do? I remembered those things. I remembered them at the best times and the worst times of my life. Had I NOT remembered them, I'd probably be homeless, on drugs, or dead. And God forbid I turn out like the rest of my generation. Do I feel entitled to anything? Sure. But what did I do to feel entitled to it? Well for starters, there was this one time... in the Marine Corps... and then this other time in the Army... and then these other times as a welder... But you see, for the things I feel I may be entitled to, do I press the envelope? No. I let things go, because why? Because I'm a self sufficient, autonomous, and efficient man that can handle his business and make things work. I don't ask for much - if anything - from anyone at any time. However, that comes at a price to those around me. If I get agitated by someone for slacking, you'll hear about it once... maybe even twice if I felt you weren't listening the first time - after that, I'm lighting a fire under someone's ... and it's best to stay out of my sight when it happens. I'll find the person slacking. And by the time I'm done with them, they'll wish they never existed. Thank you Marine Corps. You made an ... chewing man out of me!
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